


Where Do You Hide Your Heart

by with_love_maud



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Mikannieweek, mikaani, mikannie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2019-09-21 20:26:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17049992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/with_love_maud/pseuds/with_love_maud
Summary: Annie liked being invisible. It was the only thing she remembered being for a while now. She needed it. But Mikasa wasn’t the same. She didn’t need to hide. She looked like she could handle being noticed; thrive in it. She looked like someone who could be a mother; who could have a family and protect them. She could have a good life, a normal life, and it made Annie hate Mikasa.After years of living in a small town, Annie moves to a new city to find a better life. But will she bargain secrets that lurk in her past, for the unknown that her new life has to offer?





	1. Bar Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there. :)  
> It's my first time writing for this fandom and ship, and I'd love to contribute in my little way. This is unbetaed, so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Not that you care.
> 
> Enjoy!

Trost was a much bigger city than Shingashina. And while bigger was not always better, Trost evidently had more scope than the secluded little town that Annie had learned to call home for the past four years. It wasn’t particularly _evident_ to her, but Reiner had been pestering her for months to consider shifting there. She lived so close to the town border, it would hardly make a difference to her day-to-day outings, infrequent as they were.

It did seem convenient to go; both her childhood friends were moving too, and the Town had much nicer doughnut joints, owing to the high student population of the nearby Trost University. What sealed the deal, however, was that it was much more convenient for all of her customers. Her customers being parents, who would have an easier time dropping off their kids to the more well connected Fitness Square in Trost. Teaching kids self-defense was not something that she had started to earn money. But now that it had become her primary income source, she decided it was best to call it quits as a waitress and expand to give more formal classes. Reiner had gone ahead behind her back and talked to the plaza owner to get her a studio room for renting on weekdays. He had argued for a better price, but it didn’t matter to her.

Very few things mattered to Annie. Money was definitely not one of them. So while the city offered a better life, it was hard for Annie to leave Shingashina. The town had given her peace. Safety. And some goddamn quietness. Trost wasn’t so kind. It was loud, and crowded and _evidently_ fun.

“Oh come on, Annie. It won’t kill you to come out for one night.” 

Reiner goaded as he went through her wardrobe to find something other than a hoodie. Bertholdt and Reiner had moved in the adjacent building a few months ago. As she settled in her new work routine, they had taken it upon themselves to show her around the city in whatever time that the three could get together, which admittedly wasn’t much. Bert had sacked up and finally joined Nursing School after clearing the entrance test for three years in a row. 

After weeks of studying, he had topped in the mid-terms. Hence, Reiner’s insistence that they should go out and celebrate. As irritated as she felt with him snooping around in her wardrobe, she recognized that he was the only reason the trio managed to have some semblance of a social life. She made her way to the wardrobe and pulled out a black leather jacket and slightly ripped jeans. After she was ready, the three cooped up in Reiner’s tiny car and made their way to the local bar. She wasn’t a fan of alcohol, but Reiner felt it was called for by the occasion.

And she did agree; it _was_ a big deal. Bert was one of her only two friends. And with Reiner working in a local construction firm, he was the only one getting a college education. Bert had insisted that Reiner should also join the school; that he was equally capable, if not more. Reiner had promptly declined. He still couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Or books, for that matter. He was content breaking bricks and putting them together. He had once confided in her that he needed to use his hands and shut his mind down to function. She empathized. She was much of the same. It made her feel grateful to have him, even with his irritating habits. 

Except for now. When she felt his boulder-like body slam into hers, and the bar seemed to revolve around her in a chaotic mess, she didn’t feel particularly grateful. She could feel the regret form in her head, or it was probably a concussion. It was hard to find her footing with the alcohol in her system. 

She couldn’t piece together exactly what had happened. The boys had been in an argument, yes. Things seemed to have heated up, yes. But Reiner and Bert had it, and she was too drunk to help either way, so she had agreed to make her way to the car. She had almost felt sorry for the poor bastard who was going to get beat up by Reiner. Almost. Too loud for his own good, not a single thing in his stance that displayed he was a fighter. As she fumbled towards the door, struggling to find the keys in her pocket, all she caught was Asian features and a pair of steely grey eyes. And the next thing she remembered was the feeling of having fucking Reiner thrown on her. 

Normally she would get up to kill the other person. Normally her hands wouldn’t give up on a fight like this, her mind won’t be muddled by alcohol and ventures down the memory lane. She wished she had had coffee instead. She wished she hadn’t left the quiet of her room tonight. She wished she hadn’t left Shingashina.

_I need to leave this mess. Just let me leave this mess._

“Hey, hey. Annie, are you okay?” She felt Bert pick her up as he took her to the car.  
“Mm fine. Who the fuck threw Reiner?” He pushed a bottle of water in her hands.

“Just wait here. It’s cooling off.” He left without saying much. Probably to check on Reiner. They must be good, the Asian. _She_ , Annie wagered from her fragmented thoughts. Assuming it _was_ her that hit Reiner. Not just hit him, threw him. Oh her. Reiner wasn’t the best, but he certainly was good at hand-to-hand. Leaps ahead of Bert, who wouldn’t be of much help in case the fight didn’t cool off. 

_‘He could get hurt. They could get hurt.’_

She drew in a sharp breath of air at the thought. Her head cleared up as she exhaled, although she couldn’t be sure of her coordination. _Get up_. She’d handled worse in the past. She got out of the car and made her way to the bar, her steps becoming steadier, her thoughts becoming sharper, and an almost animalistic rage taking over her, as adrenaline sobered her up.

She burst into the room to find the Asian and a short guy with shaved hair holding back Reiner, as he tried to grab at the fool who had hit on her. The fool, _‘Eric, was it?’_ was also being restrained, by a guy with weird hair, though the guy couldn’t restrain him from shouting profanities at her friend.

“You fucking bastard! I’m going to kill you! Fuck, Jean, let me at him!”

She ignored Bertholdt and a short blond guy, who seemed to be trying to talk down the argument to no avail. She went straight to the short guy holding Reiner and punched him in the face. He screamed as his nose snapped and blood gushed out of it. Reiner did his best to get the taller girl in a hold, and it gave Annie enough time to turn to the bloody bastard who had started all this- 

“Learn to take no for an answer.” 

\- and put another solid punch in his face. He crumpled on the ground, covering his face as blood coated his hands. She turned just in time to dodge a hit from the Asian. She looked livid, but instead of trying to hit her again, she went to the boy on the floor and fussed over him.

“Eren! Oh god, let me see it.”

He tried to push her away, even as the blond guy helped him up. Bert and Reiner huddled around her as they watched the Asian woman cautiously. Reiner still looked angry, but his face was scrunched up at the sight of the blood. He was bleeding too. It simmered her down a little bit, his discomfort. It seemed like a good time for them to get out, although she wanted to repay the woman for her earlier slamming. The trio walked out of the bar even as they saw a few guys helping the injured boys into a shiny silver car.

“Come on, let’s get going before the Police comes.” Reiner said quietly as the boys got in the car. A little to her side, she could hear the Asian protest, something about accompanying the asshole. Her voice was strangely soft for her stature. She looked around as the faint sound of sirens resonated from afar. Her eyes fell on Annie, and something in them was set on fire. She made her way towards the blond, grabbed her by the lapels of her jacket and pushed her into a lamp post. Reiner and Bert tried to scurry out of the tiny car, but she could hold her own against the woman. 

“Come on Mikasa, let’s get out of here!”

The woman, Mikasa, ignored the voice and held her gaze as she defiantly stared back, at the challenge for her to make a move.  
She tried to push her off but the woman slammed her back onto the post, pushing into her and bringing her face threateningly close to the blond’s. Her breath was a little ragged on Annie’s face. The sirens, a lot louder now, blared nauseatingly, smoke filled her lungs as Reiner fired up the car engine, and the combined assault on her senses set every nerve in her body on fire. There was a cold kind of fury in the grey eyes that stared at her, and it prickled at the skin of her back. She had seen them before, she was sure. She felt a combination of fear and instinct take over, and as self-preservation coiled her in, she pushed her legs up and braced her back against the post to kick her captor with every shred of her strength.

Mikasa was thrown off, and she landed roughly against the hood of a black sedan. Her features showed that she was stunned and in pain. She looked up to stare at Annie again, her gaze just as murderous, with a hint of contemplation. Her friends that surrounded the car now, looked at Annie with wariness. 

“Jesus, for fuck’s sake. Let’s go!” The guy with the weird hair, Jean shouted as he helped Mikasa off the hood. But she never broke the eye contact. Not as he backed her to the rear, not as she climbed into the backseat, not until the last moment when she disappeared into the back of the car.

It seemed to break a charm. Annie rushed to Reiner’s car, even as they saw a prowler turn into the lane. Reiner quickly drove them out of there, arriving at her place after a tense getaway. They settled in, quietly eating some food that Bert ordered in. Bert stitched up a large cut on Reiner’s forehead as she iced her bruises. Reiner stole a little bit of pasta from her container as he spoke- 

“You’re a legend Leonhardt, you know that. Just when I thought you were too wasted to walk, you punched those douchebags open.” 

She chuckled at that, and after that the atmosphere dissolved into a much lighter one, where they talked about their plans for Sunday. Mundane things. Brushing off thoughts of the evening and the fight. They’d probably talk about that later. It had been a long time since any of them got into a fight, and she suspected they were as unwilling to get into it as she was. She bade them goodnight as they left for their apartment. With the quietness that followed, she was left with her unsettling thoughts, playing the event over and over in shortening circles. And by the time she finally managed to fall asleep, all she could think of were those grey eyes.

\--------XXX---------

“Mikasa, will you relax for a second, please.” 

Jean gently pushed her to the couch in the emergency room. She went further back to lean against the opposite wall. Armin was tending to Eren, and Dr. Smith was taking care of Connie. Sasha had driven them straight to Armin’s Medical College. Dr. Smith liked Armin enough to tend to his friends personally, without asking for details. He was his star student, after all. And a great conversationalist. 

“Shit. Armin, will you be a little careful?”

Eren winced in pain, and Mikasa frowned at his discomfort. Jean closed his eyes to find some patience, but Eren had been getting on his nerves for the entire evening. They had gone to the bar to formally meet Sasha’s new boyfriend Nikolo, who went to culinary school at Trost Uni. But Eren had become obsessed with the pretty little blond that was perched on one of the high chairs at the bar. And when Connie had annoyingly joked that he had as much of a chance with the blond as Jean had with Mikasa, Eren had made it his mission to get the woman’s number.  
It had gone downhill from there. Jean could see that the woman preferred to be left alone with her friends. But Eren had been too drunk and enthusiastic to catch the hint.

“You should have left her alone when she refused.”

Eren looked up at that, a sharp reply waiting on the tip of his tongue. But before he could say anything, Armin interrupted-

“He’s right, Eren. And grabbing her arm was crossing a line. You’d let it go if someone did that to Mikasa?”

Eren deflated. He looked up at Mikasa, who seemed disappointed by the description of events, but not particularly surprised. It hurt him more that she had probably concluded that it was his fault. _And shit, maybe it was? He still wanted to punch the blond guy who had pushed him, but he would have done the same, wouldn’t he?_

“I… but she was…new.. just…very good-look”-  
“I agree. She was beautiful. How does that justify anything?” Armin sounded exceptionally cross. 

Her expressions were usually always impassive, and while her face did not show it, but Mikasa did feel a little bit of surprise at the blond’s confession. Perhaps his anger was more than just disappointment in Eren’s behavior.

She had given up on expecting Eren to be on the right side of an argument. Given up on justifying his actions. All the same, she couldn’t let him get beaten to a pulp. It still nauseated her though, his actions. That he would bother the woman because she was beautiful, as Armin had reiterated. She could never judge these things for herself. What even was this beautiful? A magnet that people used to justify their unwanted attractions?

Mikasa knew she was beautiful. She had been assured of that when she was nine years old. She had her mother’s face.

_“She’s a looker. Too young for my taste, though.”_

She turned to leave the room. To get out of her thoughts, but it wasn’t very successful. Eren was safe. That is all that mattered. And with that sense of security, she felt her need to hurt the _beautiful_ blond seep out of her bones. But it did leave her with a cold sense of uneasiness. She was definitely more than that. Mikasa curled a hand over her abdomen, where the kick had landed. It had been a while since she had felt pain like that. She considered getting herself checked by Dr. Smith, but it still made her uneasy to show any vulnerabilities. To show that she was, in fact, capable of getting hurt. 

It did hurt though, all through the night. The muscles of her abdomen pulsating under a rapidly forming bruise. It fetched away all semblance of sleep, and with sleeplessness came thoughts of its cause. Blue eyes, inked in fear. They kept her up.

Sometimes Mikasa wished that no one was beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter! It's a relatively slow build. Let me know what you think of it, and if there is anything I can improve.  
> Lots of love. :)


	2. Thick As Thieves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! And fair warning, this story contains characters and themes from the Manga. Nothing major yet, but please let me know if something should be tagged or marked somehow. I'm thankful for all the lovely responses and kudos.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

It had been a week since the fight. Annie had holed up in her bedroom for the rest of the weekend, and only left her place to take her classes. It was hard to resist the urge to move back. Trost had given her more trouble in a week than Shingashina did in four years. Bert had tried to reason with her, that the new place will stir up her life a little bit. She tried to rationalize, to avoid overreacting. She had become used to being unnoticed in Shingashina, for the locals had learned that she liked it that way. It was only natural for people to notice a new face. But she didn’t want to be noticed, especially by the wrong people.

Mikasa Azumabito. That was her name. Bert had been surprised that she didn’t know the girl, even with her recent move-in. Apparently, the woman was a local hero. She had saved the city bank from getting robbed. It had been on the news, even in Shingashina. Adoptive sister of Eren Yaegar. A double major in Political Science and Law, the most exceptional student that Trost University had ever seen. A master at martial arts. _Ex-military._

The last bit of information had alarmed her so much, she contacted a few old acquaintances to do some digging. Mandatory two-year service in the Hizuru army. Never deployed out of the country. But an exceptional record, Pieck had told her. It took her a while to settle with the facts. That they had never faced each other before. Perhaps the recognition that she had felt for the woman’s eyes was merely for the murderous intent in them. 

Annie made her way through the aisle of the Walmart. She had to finally get out for getting groceries. She burrowed her hands in her hoodie pocket, looking over the products. It made her mad that the local stores kept her coffee brand on the top-most shelves. Agreed that it was an acquired taste, but it did little to quell her irritation at jumping around like a fool.

“Let me get that for you.”

Speaking of fools, Annie immediately regretted her decision to leave her bedroom when she turned around to see that the guy who stood there offering her the coffee packet, was in fact Eren. His eyes went wide when he recognized her, and she could see his mouth grow small with nervousness.

“Oh. Um, I... I didn’t know it was you. I was just trying to help, I swear. I am supposed to. I work here.”

She looked at his store assistant uniform and then at the coffee packet in his hands. Ignoring both, she turned around to leave.

“Hey wait! Please. Just, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your shopping. Please just take the coffee.”

When she turned around to look at him, his eyes went downcast-

“And about that day. I don’t even know how to say sorry for that. Nothing excuses my behavior. I didn’t seek you out to apologize because I figured it would be more unwanted attention.”

He exhaled loudly to take a pause. He did look a lot more decent in his non-threatening little uniform.

“But now that you are here, please let me apologize. I’m really sorry.”

Annie looked at him for a moment. He really did seem to be upset with his actions. She thought over his apology in her head, then said-

“Did you learn?”  
“What?” He asked, confused.

“To take no for an answer.”

His eyes grew wide again, as shame colored his cheeks. He replied “Yes” in a small voice. Then with a hint of ruefulness, he pointed at the adhesive tape on his nose and added-

“You made sure of that.”

In spite of herself, Annie smiled a little at that. She took the coffee from his hands and left without another word. She figured he wouldn’t be any more trouble. But then again, he wasn’t the one troubling her.

 

\---------XXX---------

 

“Looks like someone went shopping this morning.” Reiner and Bert dropped in for lunch. She had a relatively lighter schedule on Fridays and had just one slot of class in the evening. Her cooking was hit-and-miss, but the casserole smelled pretty good. 

“Yea. Ran into that Eren too.”

Bert choked on his casserole, and Reiner grew agitated, but before he could explode, she added-

“It’s fine. He works there. He apologized.”

Reiner didn’t seem to be satisfied by that, but he chose to let it drop. If there was trouble, Annie would tell him. The boys left after helping her clean the dishes. She took a quick nap before she had to leave for her class.

One of her students had told her that she was such an excellent self-defense teacher for kids because she seemed to be a kid herself. From an adult, the comment would brush her the wrong way, but it sounded like a sweet enough compliment, coming from the shy little girl. And it wasn’t _entirely_ inaccurate. Being little had been something that she had had to account for while developing her fighting style, especially while facing bigger, bulkier opponents. _Like Mikasa_ , a voice in her head reminded her.

Once her class concluded, she chatted with one of the parents, giving dietary advice to help the little girl grow stronger. She wondered what that felt like, being a mom. Taking care of herself was something that she had learned to do well enough over the years. But another person, a _kid_ , it seemed like such an alien concept. So far away from what she has known. She didn’t feel she was capable of doing it. Or well, doing it well. She won’t have much precedent. 

She walked the duo through the street to the parking lot, chatting with little Elise about her school. She got so engrossed in her description of human cells, and how cute platelets were (god knows where that came from) it took her a moment to react to her mother’s scream. 

Annie immediately wanted to dash after the bag thief, but she was torn between doing that and helping the mom. She could tell that the woman had dislocated her shoulder. 

“The bag! Please get it!” 

That made up her mind. She dashed after the snatcher, nearly catching up as he neared a turn. He went out of her sight as he turned the corner, and she cursed and quickened her pace lest he got away. Apparently not. She caught sight of him as soon as she turned the corner. More than just sight, she got slammed into him as he fell backward.

 _Ah, fuck me._ The guy wasn’t nearly as big as Reiner, and so neither was the impact of colliding with him. But it certainly wasn’t a pleasant experience. She caught herself before falling and looked up to find the thief. He was on the ground, hands twisted behind his back as his face was pushed into the sidewalk by _Mikasa_.

“You got him!” Elise shouted as she went to the woman and snatched the bag from the sidewalk. She went back to her mom and showed it to her. The woman looked pleased but in pain. Mikasa looked up to the duo and frowned at the woman’s state. She handed the thief to a few local guards that had sluggishly caught up, and approached the pair. 

Annie turned to the mom and said: “Maria, you need to get to the hospital.” 

The woman winced in pain and pulled out her keys. “Do you mind driving me there?”

Annie suddenly felt self-conscious. “Um, I don’t really know how.”

“I’ll drive you there.” Mikasa was in front of them now. Her voice was so calm, it eased Maria, assured her. A little feat, for Mikasa barely looked at the woman. She was staring at Annie.

“Thank you so much for catching him. You’re Mikasa, right.”  
That seemed to get her attention. “Yes. Let’s go.”

They drove to the hospital quietly. Elise, in the front passenger seat, couldn’t keep her eyes off of Mikasa. Annie, on the other hand, avoided looking at her at all. She could feel Mikasa watching her in the rearview mirror. All that staring, and not a single word. They met the short blond, Armin at the entrance. While Maria got her shoulder fixed, the guy stole a few glances at her quietly. She turned her head to avoid him.

“Are you okay, Annie? He slammed into you pretty hard.” Maria asked her in between winces. Mikasa looked up at her.

“I’m fine.” When Mikasa explained the situation to Armin, barely acknowledging that she indirectly shoved Annie again, his eyes went wide and he suggested Annie got herself checked. She refused, and he left it at that. They went out to wait in an empty exam room. She could feel Mikasa looking at her.

“What?”

The taller woman sized her up. “Eren told me he met you this morning. I’m his sister.” 

_Adoptive. I know._ “Oh, yeah. At the mart.”  
Armin tensed up at that. “Listen, Annie, is it? About what happened that day, with Eren, you and your friend getting hurt, I’m really-“

“It’s fine.”

“-no really, I should’ve stopped them-“

She turned away from him, eying Mikasa as she said-“It’s fine. At least _he_ apologized.”  
Annie felt pleased as Mikasa bristle at that. She finally had some reaction, some acknowledgment from the taller woman. She wasn’t used to _not_ busting someone open when they managed to hit her. And Mikasa had hit her _twice_. 

Armin sensed the shift, and intervened nervously “Oh, I’m sure Mikasa is sorry about what happened.”  
The Asian glared at Armin for that. “Sorry? For what, exactly? ”

She then turned to Annie,-“You want me to apologize? I was busy stopping that thief. I didn’t notice you. Not today, not that day. It’s not my fault you got in the way and got hurt.”

Annie felt irritated at the slight. “I don’t care for your apology. I’m fine.”

Mikasa’s voice grew polite at that. “Sure? You had yourself checked up for a concussion? I’d be happy to reimburse your bill.” 

It would sound like a considerate enough offer; an indirect way of making amends. Not to Annie. Condescension. She could feel a trace of it in the woman’s words. It flared something inside her.

“I’ll be happy to reimburse yours for the nebula.” 

The room went quiet after that. Armin stared at Mikasa. Jean had told him that Mikasa got a hit, but it wasn’t something that came up. He quietly asked, “You have a nebula?”  
“Armin, it’s fin-”

He ignored her and proceeded to prod her abdomen with his hand. When she winced and curled away with a scowl, he pulled his hand away.

“Let me see it.”  
“Armin it’s -”  
“Mikasa. Let me see.”

She dropped the protest, and he gently pulled up the end of her top. An expanse of deep purple and blue covered her abdomen. Little specks of red and white formed clusters of tiny clots. A perfect nebula. Just as she had assumed. Annie would have been proud to see the bruise if her thoughts hadn’t vanished at the sight of Mikasa’s exposed midsection. 

Theoretically, she was aware that Mikasa had to be strong to hurl over Reiner. But actually looking at the packed muscles of her abdomen made something in Annie stir. It was probably alarm. She had seen her fair share of abs, but Mikasa had to be a beast. Armin exclaimed in shock and scolded Mikasa for keeping it to herself. She shot an irritated look towards Annie, who replied with a smirk. It was all that she could manage with all the skin on display.

After Maria was treated, and Mikasa bought meds for the bruise, the latter offered Maria and Annie a lift. She had to get her car from the square anyway, so Armin offered to accompany. Armin picked her car from the lot and followed the other four in the car ahead. Elise still couldn’t stop staring at Mikasa. It made something akin to jealousy flare inside Annie.

Annie liked being invisible. It was the only thing she remembered being for a while now. She needed it. But Mikasa wasn’t the same. She didn’t need to hide. Mikasa had been appreciative of the fanfare that the mother-daughter duo had offered. And when they arrived at Maria’s place, and the little girl wrapped her arms around her new hero’s legs in quiet thanks, Mikasa picked her up and bowed her head to kiss Elise on her cheek. Annie watched her bid farewell to them from Mikasa’s car, waving to Maria with a small smile. Few things mattered to Annie, but her kids, they held a tiny little place in her tiny little heart. 

Mikasa was a hero to these people. She caught the thief. She could drive. She made Elise smile. She looked like she could handle being noticed; thrive in it. She looked like someone who could be a mother, have a family and protect them. She could have a good life, a normal life, and it made Annie hate Mikasa so intensely, she felt like leaving the car with Armin once they dropped him off. The silence that followed as they drove to her building was unbearable. She considered turning on the Radio when- 

“You were in the military?”

Annie felt her blood get cold at the question. She frantically wondered what had led the other girl to the conclusion. She looked straight ahead and said in an even voice-  
“No. Why, because I beat up your friends?”

Mikasa ignored the bait. She stopped at a red light and turned to look at her. 90 seconds.

“Nebula. It’s a military slang.” She stared back in silence, at a loss for words. She could see the woman observing her carefully. Even if Mikasa didn’t have a past to hide, it didn’t mean she couldn’t pry into hers. 60 seconds.

“My father. He was in the military. He taught me what a nebula is, and how to give it to people. Used to say it’s an art.” 30 seconds.

Mikasa stared at her for the rest of the time. Then turned and drove to her building in silence. She jumped out of the car as soon as they arrived, then considered thanking Mikasa for the lift. Then again, propriety wasn’t her thing. She turned back to look at the woman and was surprised to see her staring. _Again._

“You’re good at it, you know. What your father taught you.”

She was a little startled at the compliment. “I know. I bet it kept you up all night.”

A ghost of a smile crept onto Mikasa's face. And then she drove off without another word. Annie thought of her again that night. But this time, it was her voice. Winces and laughs. Slights and compliments. All in the span of one day. It almost felt like too much information that she couldn’t understand _why_ she had to process.

And all these old feelings; fear, distrust, anger, and hatred, mixed with unchartered emotions of envy, and things she simply couldn’t comprehend, it tired her out. And not in the way that fighting had tired her out; aching with satisfaction and ready to drift off. In a way that evaded sleep. Disoriented and barely conscious, she finally drifted off to the echoes of an old lullaby they had sung in her hometown. Memories of which would cease to exist as the morning rays hit her face. 

Things of the past, the lullaby, and home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of it!   
> Lots of love. :)


	3. Saving Ryan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas folks! This is my little gift to all of you. To especially those who take the time out to leave comments and kudos, it feels incredible. The knowledge that something that I wrote is something this person from God knows which corner of the world stumbled upon and read. Thanks for that.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter.  
> And a reminder that this story contains Manga characters.

Annie could never comprehend the appeal of putting your tongue in someone’s mouth. Free time had given her the luxury to read a few novels, stories of stolen touches and passionate kisses. It wasn’t exactly unpleasant to read. But the visual of it seemed so…invasive. Or maybe it was just Sasha’s enthusiasm as she attacked Nikolo’s face that made her wary. It wasn’t very different from how she had treated the chocolate cake they had just shared.

In a strange turn of events, Bertholdt had shocked her and Reiner by actually making a friend. She didn’t believe he interacted with anyone in the college. It didn’t help that he was a few years older than the other attendees. But he had hurriedly explained his newfound friendship with Nikolo when they met at a mixer that he had _accidentally_ attended, much to Reiner’s amusement. They had accompanied Bert to a charity bake sale that Nikolo had invited him to, with Sasha’s casual “Oh, and bring your friends.”

Annie had run into Eren at the Walmart so many times that the guy no longer looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whenever he saw her. She had also run into Mikasa a few times, although they never talked. The woman went to the expensive Dojo in her studio’s plaza that Annie could never afford. Not that she wanted to go. She trained at home with Reiner. Annie often wondered if they taught them real fighting in there.

Life had seemed to even out since her last talk with Mikasa. While her unease at the changes around her was not completely gone, she was adjusting into a new normal. But some things never failed to remind her of the fact that her normal wasn’t what was normal for _actually_ normal people. In fore, quite literally thanks to Sasha, was intimacy.

A couple of years ago on Christmas, when the three of them had had too much to drink, Bertholdt had pulled her in a gentle hug, murmuring confessions of how much she meant to him. He had then bent down to kiss her, and she had let him. It had felt like holding his arm. Contact. It wasn’t unpleasant, but she couldn’t reconcile it with anything remarkably more. He was more perceptive than most other people she knew, and he never brought it up again. It was their sweet little secret, tiny attempts at imitating what came so naturally to people their age.

“You’re not gonna make us pay for these, are you, Nikolo?”

They all looked up to see Eren grabbing a few of the muffins on display. Armin and Mikasa followed behind, shaking their heads, and the tall woman kept a few bills on the display counter. Reiner grunted at the sight of Eren. He still hadn’t entirely forgiven him. She was surprised to see Mikasa followed by an older woman. Porcelain skin, Asian features. _Her mother?_ Holding the lady’s hand was a little boy with the same features. They were probably her family. She saw a couple of the stall owners walk out to greet Mikasa, offering her scones and bread, mocking outrage at the offered money. 

“Why do they like her so much? I mean, I know she saved the bank and all. But still.” Annie quietly asked Bertholdt. He sighed and took a sip of water.

“She’s, kind of a model student. Straight As. She helps out a lot too, community service, social projects. They respect her.” 

It sounded incredibly exhausting to Annie. She got up to get some space to herself, and Bert left to chat with Nikolo. Buying a few doughnuts, she made her way to the nearby lake. She ate her doughnuts in peace, wondering if she could feel what that felt like. Having people respect her. She could tell that the parents of her kids liked her. They respected her craft. But they barely knew her. How do you respect someone you don’t truly know? Do you respect them, or your idea of them? Her father used to say, people respect you when they are afraid of you, but maybe it wasn’t the same. She was pulled out of her thoughts by the little boy that had been with Mikasa. He looked at her shyly and then sat down beside her to stare at the lake. 

“What’s your name?”

“Itsuki.” 

She offered the boy a doughnut, and they ate in silence. Annie liked kids. She wondered how people could bring themselves to hurt them. 

 

\--------x-----------

 

“I’ll give that back in a week Mika, with the previous bills and all.” Eren sat down across from Reiner on the empty bench. He seemed frustrated, mumbling in thin air-

“You think they’ll be the ones who are broke, with college.” He looked up, surprised to see Reiner, and contemplated leaving the bench. The blond felt at unease, considering the same, but it wasn’t exactly pleasant to be by himself on the bench either.

“I get that, you know.” Reiner said quietly after a bout of silence. Eren looked up to give him his attention. It was a cruel thought, but Eren looked so pathetic, he didn’t mind showing a little bit of his own patheticness. 

“With Bert in college, and all. Back when we…when we were young…I used to be the one to take initiative. I thought I’d be taking care of them. But in the real world, Bert showed me, I guess. And Annie, God she’s so tough...I used to have that, you know, that anger like yours..still do. She helped me clean up my act.”

Eren looked over his head to see Mikasa conversing with Armin. She hadn’t let him go out alone since the fight.

“What, she stuck around no matter how despicable you got?”

Reiner stared at him. “Nah. She told me I’m a fucking asshole.”

They both chuckled at that, going back to eating in silence. Half an hour later, Annie and Itsuki made their way back to the fair. From there she left with Bert and Reiner to train at their place.

 

\--------x-----------

 

It was such a pleasant evening, Annie chose to jog back to her home. A couple of blocks away from her building, she heard the sound of someone crying. She turned around to find Itsuki in tears, standing on the sidewalk. 

“Hey, kid. What happened to you?”

He pointed up towards a huge tree by the road. On top of a branch, she could see a tiny kitten mewling in distress. It was entirely white and looked so small, Annie wondered how it got there in the first place. She ran a hand through Itsuki’s hair, trying to reassure him.

“We’ll figure something to get it out. Don’t worry.” He stopped crying and looked up to her in discomfiture.

“Itsuki! I’ve been looking all over for you.” Annie turned to find Mikasa jog towards them. 

“Annie.”

“Hey. I found him here. You live around?” Mikasa pointed to the housing colony across the street. She followed Itsuki’s gaze to the kitten and frowned. She looked up the tree to find foot-holdings, realizing like Annie that the lowest purchase was too high to jump and grab. Her gaze fell on the blond in resignation. _Ah, fuck._ Annie turned away, annoyed. She looked down at tiny Itsuki- 

“I don’t suppose you climb much, kid?”

“Annie-“ Mikasa looked cross at the suggestion.

“Fine. You’ll have to brace. Sure you can lift me, with the bruise and all?” 

It had been a while since the bar fight, but she wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to piss-off the taller girl. Mikasa looked like she had a sharp retort on her tongue, but seemed to decide against it. She released a short breath and nodded. She shrugged off her jacket, and Annie was happy she made the jibe before, because it would be hard to say it now. Her arms, shoulders, Mikasa was sculpted. They were fairly lean, but the structure let Annie know of the strength in those muscles. And Mikasa’s pale skin shone so exquisitely against the setting sun, Annie had to deliberately pull her gaze away. 

Mikasa got on one knee near the base of the tree, hands clasped behind her back, forming a footstep for Annie. She shucked off her shoes, and putting one foot on the step, pulled a knee on Mikasa’s shoulder. Annie’s stomach did a flip as Mikasa flexed to adjust to her weight, then stood with apparent ease. Gaining her balance, Annie stood on Mikasa’s shoulder and jumped a little to grab the branch just above her head. From there it was fairly easy. Annie had climbed much higher before, so she couldn’t understand why her heart was pounding. She cleared her head as she reached the kitten. The tiny thing practically jumped in her arms. She looked down to see Itsuki beaming at her.

Putting the creature safely in her hoodie pocket, she started descending. Just before she reached the lowest branch she felt the kitten panic at the sound of a bird perched on the tree. The movement in her hand-pocket was so strange, it startled her and she misstepped roughly on a thin branch. She heard a sickening crunch. One hand went instinctively to hold the kitten, while the other searched frantically for something to restore her balance. Clad in shorts, her bare leg grazed against a sharp twig and she grimaced as she felt it rip her skin. Her hand found another branch while she landed on the lowest one. 

“Annie. Are you okay?” Mikasa sounded calm, but there was a note of urgency in her voice.

“Yea. It’s okay.” She crouched on the branch, flicking a finger on the kitten’s head in half-hearted reprimand. She had planned on jumping from here, but her injured leg protested at the idea. It wasn’t a deep wound, but it wouldn’t absorb the shock well. 

“I’ll catch you.” Mikasa had followed the same thoughts. But Annie found something reprehensible about the idea. Standing up, she said-

“Fuck off, Mikasa.”

“There’s a kid here. I thought you taught kids. You can’t land on that leg, Annie. Let me catch you.” 

“Look just, get some-”

“Annie.” She looked down to meet her eyes.

“I won’t let you fall.” It sounded like a promise. And a request. She couldn’t jump without trusting Mikasa to catch, and she could tell that Mikasa knew that. Annie couldn’t remember ever trusting someone to have her back, other than her friends. It was such a small thing really, but could she trust Mikasa? She wasn’t sure. Her thoughts blanked out as she closed her eyes, and then trusting her gut, she let go.

It wasn’t entirely painless. But Mikasa did lessen the impact by bending as she caught her. She could tell her hand was touching Mikasa’s collarbone. She could feel the warmth of her body. The other hand pressed between their bodies. Mikasa’s shallow breath gently caressed her face. She could tell it was longer than she should, but she kept her eyes closed. 

Annie would never tell another soul, but amongst all her senses, she loved to touch the most. She could form images in her mind, distort voices to tell her things that comforted and tormented her. Colour memories, form stories and live entire lives in her head that seemed to pull her out of her real one. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t manufacture touch in her head. The softness of silk sheets, coarseness of fresh uniforms. The touch of a child’s hair. A pair of strong arms. They reminded her of the difference between reality and thoughts. The past and the present. They reminded her she had to live. 

“I’m sure.”

Her eyes snapped open at the words. Mikasa’s voice had been soft, her expression softer. Annie felt a little empathy for all the people that were so fond of Mikasa. Those features, they didn’t exactly make it easier to dislike her. But there was a hint of amusement in Mikasa’s shining eyes. Maybe at her prolonged silence, Annie realized.

“What?”

Mikasa bent a little and whispered “I’m sure I can lift you, bruise and all. You’re so fucking small.” 

Annie pushed herself out of Mikasa's arms, as the latter laughed at her expense. She felt her previous irritation return. “You were just dying to say that, right?”

Mikasa smiled at that, “Yea. But I figured I had to wait. At least till you rescued the little guy.”

Itsuki launched himself on Annie with joy, fishing out the kitten from her pocket. “Ryan! You’re safe. Don’t ever do that again.” 

Annie ruffled the little guy’s hair and started to walk towards her home. Mikasa blocked her way as she eyed the cut with concern.

“You’re hurt.” 

“I don’t need you to carry me, Mikasa.”

“I know. But my house is closer. Let me patch you up.” Before she could reply she felt Itsuki grab her hand and drag her towards the house. She looked down at him and smiled a little. Oh well.

“Why Ryan?”

The little boy grinned at her “There’s this kid on Youtube, he’s really cool…”

 

\----xxxx----

 

Annie stayed for the patch-up, and for dinner. Mrs. Kiyomi Azumabito, the elder lady and Mikasa’s _aunt_ , had simply refused to take no for an answer. She figured she could stay. If Bert could make the effort to make friends with normal people, she could at least have one dinner with them. She learned that Itsuki was Mikasa’s cousin. And that he lived in Hizuru and was on a visit here with Mrs. Azumabito, who provided for Mikasa’s education. She had been Mikasa’s legal guardian since her family died in an accident. _So she’s an orphan too._

Mikasa was on a call with her uncle, asking if he could make it to dinner in time. Her eyes flitted across the room to glance at her, and they both turned away with surprise at the eye contact. As much as Annie had thought that she hated Mikasa, it was, she realized not her but the idea of her persona that she had disliked. The admiration, attention. In the confines of the home, where she wasn’t subjected to those, Annie couldn’t find a single reason to dislike Mikasa. She was apprehensive to consider the possibility, but she might actually like the girl.

“He’ll be here in 10. You don’t mind waiting up, do you?” She shrugged, trying to look uninterested.

They exchanged a few glances, even fewer words, speaking a little about her classes and Mikasa’s majors. Sitting across from Mikasa on the couch, Annie felt so warm all over, she was thankful the room was dimly lit. She busied herself with Ryan until it was time for dinner. Mrs. Azumabito warned her that they hadn’t expected her, so it was pretty traditional fare. She smiled at her to reassure her. The elder woman looked over her at the sound of the door opening-

“Ah, you are here. What took so long?” 

“Nothing. Just catching up with some guys. And who’s this?” 

“This is Annie; Mikasa’s friend.” Annie recoiled a little at the F word, but turned in her seat to greet Mikasa’s uncle.

“Hi Annie. I’m Levi.” 

There was a prolonged silence as Annie simply stared at him. Mrs. Azumabito interrupted -“Annie?”

“You…are Mikasa’s uncle?”

“Yes.” Levi frowned, and asked- “Is there something wrong?”

Annie drew in a breath as she continued to stare at him. “You…you look…you just look so young.”

The entire room rung with laughter and Levi settled in to have dinner. Mrs. Azumabito joked how Levi barely aged over the years, and urged her to eat more. She fussed over if Annie liked the taste, but the blond assured her the food was fine. Truth being, she just didn’t feel all that hungry.

She hadn’t expected to dine with her father’s killer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it! Chapter 3.  
> Let me know what you think. :)  
> As for the updates, it's not set in stone, but I aim at updating on every fourth day. 
> 
> See you next time, lots of love.


	4. Mikasa Ackerman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, new chapter! :) And MAJOR warnings:
> 
> \- The first two paras, encased in '*****' have a major Manga spoiler. Please read after that if you are Anime only; it shouldn't affect the readability too much, and the rest is safe and my own crap.  
> \- Major Anime S1, S2 spoilers. (Which I'm pretty sure you've watched, but still.)

*****

Mikasa played with the box in her hands. Genetic modifies. They were supposed to further quell her need to run to Eren’s aid. An improvement over the previous suppressants, Levi had visited to give them to her. It had been eight years since the war had started, and four since its end. Pretty short considering the duration of wars, but Mikasa wondered if she had lived an entire lifetime in those years. 

She still had a hard time adjusting to the reality that she was someone’s science experiment. A lineage turned to breed new, biologically enhanced and genetically modified soldiers; unmatchable strength, animalistic instincts, and unquestionable loyalty. It had been a shame for the Empire when the Ackermans had broken free from its command. Outside the confines of the military, her emotional trigger had ended up attaching her to Eren that night, but of course, she had thought it was love. 

Since nuclear warfare technology was destroyed in a conclave about five decades ago, the Marleyan Empire had developed massive biological weapons, humanoids called Titans.

*****

 

 

Four years ago, using the Titans the enemy had attacked a small Eldian village, part of the hostile territory, to display its military strength. The war that followed had breached codes of humanity that had never been breached before. The warriors chosen to become Titans were never found, but Human Rights council records said they had been children. _We had been children. And all for what?_

Mikasa had figured, the only way to win in a war is to prevent it from happening.

The enemy used to sing songs in the name of the Ackermans, for it was synonymous to death. No one ever lived to remember more than that name. It’s why she had to adopt the surname from her mother’s lineage once she went in hiding. But changing her name did not wipe the blood on her hands.

“Mikasa, you mind helping in setting up the ropes.”

“Sure, Maria.” 

250 years ago, the cathedral in Trost was bombed on the night of the beloved Queen’s birthday. To commemorate her, the city had joined together to rebuild the cathedral. Locals had painted several frames in stained glass, and each soul had made a wish on the queen’s behalf. The day had become a local holiday, and hanging small frames of painted stained glass and wishing on them, a cherished local tradition. She and Armin had volunteered to help in the organization. The general youth, however, had their own interpretation of the festivities. In Sasha’s case, a rave.

“You two, make sure you get your stuck-up little asses to the party!” 

Sasha shouted at them as she hung her own little glass and left. Mikasa planned on leaving straight from the cathedral. It was a tight schedule, and she never got high. But she had to go, she was a popular girl. However, popular did not translate to desirable, or as Jean had stuttered to politely explain to her, _approachable_. She was well respected by her peers, liked by a lot of the men for her looks, but they rarely thought of her, the entirety of her as someone to seek, finding her too intimidating.

Not Annie. Annie was _desirable_. She had to accept it as a fact when she could see it in both of her best friends’ eyes. Armin and Eren brought her up in conversation even if it wasn’t remotely related to her. And Mikasa had to admit, Annie had all the features that conventional standards deemed desirable. Small enough to engulf in your arms, fiery enough to punch you if she didn’t like it. A mystery. And of course, _beautiful_. She could objectively understand the appeal, but that is not what attracted _her_ to Annie. 

Annie had a past. She could feel it. She had been in hiding for long enough to see someone else do it. And Annie did it well. Her obvious unease in social situations, that bordered at impolite at the dinner. What was it, family issues? A tenuous relationship with her father? A violent episode? Mikasa couldn’t tell. And while it was probably a candle compared to hers, it was very visible in the woman’s blue eyes. Fear.

Mikasa was mature enough to avoid feeling jealous of the girl’s apparent desirability. But it did bristle her when Armin felt the need for her to apologize to Annie. Annoying as she was, Mikasa had to respect her skill. The kick was world class. It made her curious about where Annie learned to fight like that.

Maria had become a friend in the community service group, and she told Mikasa about Annie’s class. How the girl had helped a few kids fend off bullies in Shingashina and then expanded to give formal lessons. It didn’t make the girl less _desirable_ , but it did make her like Annie more.

And when she had seen her at the bake sale -shorts that displayed smooth, slender legs; a pale blue spaghetti top held by a knot at her exposed back; a hoodie tied at her waist- she felt such a strange trance take over her, her eyes couldn’t help but find the woman again and again. It was more than just desirable. The sight of her sitting with Itsuki by the lake as the wind played with her hair. The shyness in her eyes as she pet Ryan. Mikasa might be starting to understand what beautiful was.

 

\-------xxx--------

 

“No. I’m done running.” 

Reiner and Annie turned to look at Bertholdt. He was sitting on the floor against the room door, his head downcast, long arms resting on bent knees. 

“Bert, you don’t understand, if he’s here to kill us-” 

“He’s not. He cannot. He couldn’t even recognize Annie. They never kept any records of our identity, Reiner. We were always Titans when we fought. They don’t know our names, how we look. No one knows.”

“Fucking Christ Bertholdt! You think it’s by _chance_ that he came to Trost-”

“He’s leaving tomorrow! He told Annie!”

“It’s not just him.” They both quieted at her voice. It was the first time she had spoken since telling them that Levi was here. Reiner had dug out his gun and started throwing clothes in a bag.

“I met Hitch before the foreign countries intervened in the war. She told me there were three Ackermans alive, two men, and a woman.” 

Reiner went to sit beside Bert. He looked defeated. She looked up to look them in the eye-

“The other two fought on the western flank. We never faced them, but I think Mikasa is the woman.” The fire in her grey eyes, her movements, strength. It was all so deeply reminiscent of how Levi had moved when he had slashed at her Titan. She had barely escaped with her life. Annie could feel the truth of it in her bones. 

She didn’t know how she felt about the information. _Mikasa Ackerman_. It was a strange thought, but she found the name suited her better. Beyond that she couldn’t process the information. She couldn’t even bring herself to feel scared. 

Reiner looked grim at the conclusion. “We cannot take that risk, Bert. If she really is an Ackerman, then _we_ figured it out. There is no record of her either. We could be caught in the same way.”

Annie shivered at the thought of Levi discovering her identity. _Petra Ral, Eld Jinn, Oluo Bozado, Gunther Schultz. The famous Levi Squad._ The names had been resonating in her head since she first saw him. She could see their faces, hear their screams, smell their blood.

Massacring the Levi Squad was the first thing that had made the enemy forces take note of the military prowess of the Titans. It was also what had made her father proud of her for the first time in her memory. She didn’t believe Levi would take too kindly to finding that she was the Female Titan, that she killed his squad.

_He killed your father._

“We need to leave while we have the chance-”

“Why should we leave, Reiner?” Reiner grew quiet at the pensive tone in Bertholdt’s voice. 

“We were _fifteen_ when we were ordered to destroy that village. We were at war. We escaped, and we were officially pardoned at the post-war council for our acts. So was _he_ , because we were _manufactured_ to fight!”

Reiner stared at Bertholdt. He couldn’t remember the last time the man had shouted.

“The war is over. We have a life here. If he kills us now, that makes him a murderer. And If I don’t believe that I don’t deserve to run, I don’t deserve to die, then I don’t need Levi Ackerman to put a bullet in my head.”

 

\--------xxxxx---------

 

Mikasa smiled at the festivities. In the night sky, the stained glasses shone beautifully against the fairy lights hanging with them. She looked down at Elise. The little girl looked shy. It made her smile, the girl’s adoration. If she could only help these people, help little Elise, then maybe the world would be less cruel. If they thought she was good, she could appear to be good, she might think it is a possibility.

Elise had painted a single white rose on a small circular glass. She looked around for her mother to help her hang it.

“Here, let me help you.”

She took the glass from the girl and complimented her on the painting. As she was looking around to find a place on the ropes, Elise asked in a small voice- 

“Do they come true, the wishes?” Mikasa smiled at her.

“Yea. They do if you hang your glass painting. I promise.” The little girl beamed at the lore. It warmed Mikasa’s heart.

“What did you wish for?” At that Elise became shy again. She looked around, considering the question. “It’ll still come true, right?”

“Yea, it’s okay. You can tell me.” She sat on a stone ridge to come to eye level with Elise. The girl smiled secretively and cupped her hands around Mikasa’s ear.

“I wished I were you.” 

She stared back at the little girl, the smile still gracing her lips but no longer her eyes. She sent Elise to her mom, promising to find a good spot for her glass. Mikasa had given up on wishing a long time ago. She had never seen the point, they never came true. Not when she wished for her parents to come back. Not for Carla. Not for Eren. She couldn’t bring them back. She couldn’t protect them from the world. And she cannot protect Elise from it. The world was too cruel to give away such hacks. But was there maybe, a small, slight chance that it did?

Sitting there, she thought over the possibility for a very long time. Elise reminded her of herself when she had been a child. Before _that_ night. She could at least protect the girl from herself. Then holding the glass rose in her palm, she crushed it till it became red.

 

\------xxx-------

 

“Mikasa, you’re here!” Sasha ran to the girl to give her a clumsy hug. 

Mikasa could hear music resonating from the speakers. The house was suffused in clouds of Marijuana, and most of the inhabitants were high as kites. The living room was a dim mixture of yellows and a soft orange shade. It was so packed, it seemed like half of the college was here. Connie had been failing at playing the guitar. Jean was arguing with a beyond inebriated Eren about who was the bigger loser.

On the couch, she could see Hannah giggle at everything that Franz was saying. Marco and Armin were staring at the ceiling with smiles on their faces. Sasha returned to her seat beside Nikolo, who was sharing a joint with Bertholdt. A table in the kitchen served as the makeshift bar. Beside it she saw Reiner, looking fairly sober, and sitting on the kitchen counter beside him, feet on the top, a joint hanging on her slender fingers, arms perched on her bent knees, and eyes clouded with a storm, was Annie. 

It made her feel inadequate, as a fundamental being, to see all the people around her so carefree in oblivion. She walked towards Eren and grabbed the joint in his hands-

“Heyyy! Cmmn un Mika, you said I could t’nigh!” He protested with barely any coherence.

-and then she brought it to her lips. Breathing in deeply and letting the smoke flood her senses, she made her way to Sasha’s room upstairs where she knew no one was allowed. Knocking the door open, she went to sit on the bed. She stared at the blood seeping out of her palm. All that effort to _look_ good, sometimes she wondered what was the point. It couldn’t change who she was. A weapon.

“I’ll talk some sense into him tomorrow,”- Reiner told Annie as he looked at Bert. They had grudgingly concluded there was no point in _not_ attending the party. If there was trouble, they would be safer in the crowd. Annie barely heard what he said. She was a little intoxicated, but she had seen Mikasa walk in. There was something in her expression, and Eren was causing a ruckus trying to follow her upstairs in his state. 

“Youh kn shee nver smokes Shasha! Lemme go.”

“Eren, you can barely walk.”

Annie jumped off the counter and made her way upstairs. She could feel Reiner’s gaze follow her. She turned back to reassure him and Eren, going ahead with Sasha’s direction. She saw the two girls, Ymir, and Christa making out in the dim lit hallway. She arrived just before the room that Sasha had told her. 

A sudden bout of nervousness flooded her system. It wasn’t the wisest of decisions to approach a formidable enemy when they were unpredictable. She couldn’t figure why she was here at all. Steeling herself, she stepped in the room to find Mikasa on the bed. 

“Eren sent you?”

“Not really.” She saw the blood. 

“You’re hurt.” Mikasa simply continued to smoke. She was staring through the doorframe at Ymir and Christa. 

“I could never get the appeal in that,”- Mikasa said it like it was a confession.

Annie felt something inside her give. It suddenly dawned on her, that Mikasa, the perfect student, caring sister, hero Mikasa, had to be just as fucked up as she was. An equally potent killer. A criminal. While she chose to be invisible, Mikasa was hiding in plain sight. All that help she offered, maybe it was her method to cope. And Annie could tell Mikasa was doing a poor job of coping today. 

A sense of such deep relief flooded her system, at the sight of Mikasa’s misery, at the thought that she wasn’t alone, she sat down to cradle her injured hand in her own. It mattered little in that moment that Mikasa had been the enemy. Criminals seemed to share the same hell.

Mikasa looked up to look in her eyes, and Annie could’ve sworn that she _knew_. Leaning forward, she closed her eyes, and let go. The feeling of a pair of lips, so soft, softer than silk. They melded with her own with such a gentle passion, Annie could feel a flame light inside her. Mellow sounds of panting, short gasps for air, they punctuated a sensation so uncontainable, so inconceivable, she had to put her hands on Mikasa to believe that it was real. She felt the woman’s hand cradle her face, the other bloodied one ran over her body to hold her at the small of her back. And when Mikasa gently parted her lips with her own, she felt all conscious thought dissolve in a flash.

They shared the same hell, but in that moment it felt like paradise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> Thanks to all those who left kudos and comments! Makes my day. :)


	5. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :)  
> New chapter, and a happy new year!  
> Again, spoiler alerts and no infringement intended.  
> Off you read!

_“Annie. Even if every other creature alive comes to hate you, your father will always be on your side.”_

The words resonated in her head as Annie repeated the motions of stretching, her body functioning on muscle memory. In front of her, a flock of kids mimicked her movements, but she could barely see them. It was negligent of her, but she couldn’t help it. 

Her mind had been drifting away since she woke up at 4:30 A.M. in a cold sweat, her father’s voice resonating in her ears. She had been unable to go back to sleep after that, feeling sluggish and drowsy throughout the morning. It did not help that she had fallen asleep very late. Thoughts had a thing for keeping her awake, although different thoughts.  
The phantom sensation of moist lips, gentle breaths. They made a shiver run down her spine. She had kissed Mikasa. And Mikasa had kissed her back. How long they had been at it, Annie had no idea. It could have been hours or seconds. They had kissed until Annie had felt the blood leaking from Mikasa’s palm seep through her top. The cold liquid on the skin of her lower back had jolted her out of their bubble. And while it had been a disappointment to be rid of Mikasa’s lips, she felt alarmed at the amount of blood flowing out of the woman’s hand. 

_“You need to take care of that. Wait, I’ll get the kit.”_

She had stood up from the bed and turned to leave to find Sasha, when she felt Mikasa’s other hand pull at one of hers, stopping her retreat not so much by force, but by a quiver at the contact that made her knees weak. Mikasa had pointed to a drawer in the headboard, and Annie had fished out the First-aid kit from there. She had vaguely wondered how Mikasa knew where to find the kit, but both of them had been too nervous to speak. 

Annie had wondered how Mikasa got the wound, but it didn’t matter. She could tell it wasn’t the pain that had tormented the girl. She had bandaged Mikasa’s hand, not daring to look up in the woman’s eyes. Annie could barely figure out why she had done _it_ , but she knew if she looked up, she might be tempted to do it again.  
Reiner had made his way upstairs to check up on her, and she had left with him, helping him carry a barely conscious Bertholdt to the tiny car. She felt disoriented at the swing her thoughts had been taking the entire day. She wondered how her dead father would feel about her kissing his killer’s niece.

Probably something close to how Reiner looked right now. Flabbergasted wasn’t a word she used frequently, but it was _exactly_ his reaction when she told him. 

She had gone to their place for lunch. He had been going on about how he had checked all of Mikasa’s friends’ past records. Apparently, Eren and Armin had lived in the same city as her before she supposedly left to serve in Hizuru. He suspected they were in hiding too and urged Bert to reconsider. But the big guy had refused to budge. She went out to sit on the porch, drinking coffee to clear a mild headache. 

“What do you think, about leaving?” Annie turned to find Bert sitting next to her. She must be really lost in thought if he managed to sneak up on her. She considered his question.

“I think, I’ve lived for the past four years fearing someone is going to find us one day. And now that we have actually found them, it’s not that scary anymore. I feel more in control.”

She turned to face him,-

“You know. Keeping your enemies closer, and all.”

His eyebrows shot up at that, a barely concealed smile on his lips.

“So this is what _that_ was about? Keeping them _closer_?”

Annie had come to believe that she was incapable of blushing. And she wasn’t particularly fond of being wrong. She shoved Bertholdt and they sat in the sun in a comfortable silence.

 

\------xxx------ 

 

“Hey Annie!” She looked up to see Armin and waved as she walked out of the plaza after her class. 

“Hey. What brings you here?”

“Oh, I’m waiting up for Mikasa’s training to finish. I left my car for service this morning, and she’s giving me a ride to pick it up.”

“Oh, you live around here?”

“Um, not exactly. I figured this would be more convenient for her.” His voice was so deliberate, it had an almost practiced note to it. She remembered Reiner’s suspicions. She was, however, drawn out of her thoughts when he said-

“So, Mikasa told me about last night.” 

Her eyes grew wide at that, and she felt the damn blush return. She hadn’t expected Mikasa to be the type to share, but then she could hardly hold it against her. It barely helped that Armin seemed to be blushing too.

“It’s good! You know, before at the hospital and all, I could sense it, this tension between you two. I guess you two resolved it last night.”

Annie had to restrain herself from punching him in the face. She felt her entire body heat up in embarrassment. But Armin had to prolong her torture-

“Mikasa is a dear friend. Her wellbeing matters to me a lot. I’m really glad things have progressed between you two.” He finished in a soft voice, and Annie felt something in her calm down. She could objectively understand that he was happy for his friend.

“And hey, listen,-” 

He went on, probably to torture her more, but she lost him as she saw Mikasa walk out of the building. The tall woman, even taller in heels, was dressed in a charcoal grey formal suit. An emerald top underneath brought out a hint of green in her eyes. She leaned against the wall to talk to one of her instructors, the setting sun kissing her skin. It suddenly occurred to Annie that Mikasa was _incredibly_ good-looking. She felt stupid for not noticing it before because it was so obvious to her now, she could barely take her eyes off the beautiful woman.

“So will you?”

She was pulled out of her reverie to see Armin looking somewhere around her shoulder. She hadn’t heard a word that he said.

“What?” He looked up at her, almost scared, and taking a deep breath, said-

“The Town Fair. Would you like to go with me?…..As my date.” 

She felt her jaw go slack as she stared at him like a fish out of water. She was trying to make sense of the situation even as he started to look disheartened-

“I..um..”

“It’s okay! You don’t have to answer now. Think over it.” He gave her a slip with his phone number on it. Then turned around to greet an approaching Mikasa-

“Hey! I was just thanking Annie here for patching you up last night.”

Mikasa met her eyes at that. Annie might have laughed at her previous confusion, if she wasn’t a little apprehensive under Mikasa’s gaze. Looking up and gathering her courage, she forced her voice to sound nonchalant as she nodded at the suit-

“A little too uptight for Martial arts, don’t you think?”

Mikasa gave her a small smile at that. 

“I came here straight from Moot court. Changed.” She lifted a duffel bag to emphasize. Armin nudged her arm, turning towards the parking lot.

“Well, I guess we better get going. See you later, Annie.” -Armin said to her, with a hint of hopefulness. 

Mikasa turned to look at her one last time, and left with Armin.

 

\-------xxx-------

 

It was an unusually cold night. She took a deep breath, and exhaled to see it frost against the night sky. She was cold after waiting in the open for so long, and the gun in her pocket felt colder. She gently tapped it with the ring on her finger, playing with its weight, waiting for her target. She felt her heartbeat rise as the man walked out of the building, accompanied by a taller guy, perhaps the third Ackerman. She knew the other guy was an instructor at the Dojo. But she wasn’t here for him.  
She discreetly followed the shorter man at a safe distance. She did not need to be too close, she was a good shot. He was nearing the parking lot now, to get in his car and leave the city. She had to make the decision quickly.

Levi stopped a few steps away from the car and put his hand inside his jacket. She felt fear rise in her chest, but it was for naught. He pulled out a cigarette and leaned against the car to smoke. So she probably had more time than expected, to make up her mind.  
It was still a trifle compared to all the time that Annie had had since she first set her eyes on her father’s killer. She had been considering the question in the back of her mind since then. 

To kill, or not to kill.

She hadn’t told Reiner or Bertholdt about it, simply took out her gun and went to find the man. She had him now. It had to be now, or never. 

_“Annie. Even if every other creature alive comes to hate you, your father will always be on your side.”_

Her father had been the Commander of their Army. He had been devoted to the war. Integral to it. He had trained her, every day and every night since she was a child. He had turned her into a weapon.

And he had loved her. But maybe devotion was greater than love. 

When Captain Levi had put a bullet in her father’s chest, she lost the only person who ever loved her. But she gained her freedom from the torment of war. And so she stood there, trying to make up her mind. Looking at him, she remembered Levi’s face at the dinner, how he barely concealed his distaste for the traditional fare, but ate it to spare Mrs. Azumabito’s feelings. And his disdain at the mess that Itsuki made while eating. She remembered Bertholdt’s words about being a murderer, but most of all, she remembered what it felt like to take a human life. And how it had felt to know that she never had to take one again. Freedom.

She safely concealed the gun and turned to make her way back to home, after she looked at the figure one last time and whispered-

“Thank You.” 

 

\-------xxx-------

 

Mikasa was on her way back from dinner at Eren’s. She enjoyed driving. It helped her clear her mind. And her mind had been a mess since Annie had kissed her. It was a different kind of mess than the one she had been in just before the kiss, but all the same, it made thinking clearly an impossible task.

So when Eren and Armin had asked her what happened with Annie last night, she could barely process what to say, simply telling them that Annie had patched up the wound on her hand, that she got by accident. Armin had been elated at the confession. It seemed to him that the night had made peace between the two girls. Not exactly. When he had asked for her blessing to ask the girl out, Mikasa couldn’t find a _concrete_ reason to say no.

She played with the hair band that she had stolen from Annie’s hair. It had set her on fire, the sound that the blond had made when she ran her fingers through her hair. She was strangely satisfied with her thievery; Annie’s makeshift messy bun when she had left had been even prettier than the usual neat one. She hadn’t stopped thinking about it since yesterday. And by some miracle, as she made a turn, she saw it again. Annie was walking home.

“Need a lift?”

Annie turned to look at her, and she frowned when she saw glistening in the girl’s eyes. Annie seemed a little uneasy at first, but got into the passenger seat next to her. They drove in silence. Mikasa wondered if that is what she had looked like when Annie found her yesterday.

“You mind if I make a stop at that?” 

Annie looked up to see the drive through of her favourite doughnut joint. Mikasa bought hot, freshly made classics and handed them to Annie. She had seen Annie buy a bunch of them at the sale. It barely made a difference, but Annie did nibble at a few, making Mikasa smile. They approached her block.

“It’s his birthday today. My father.” Annie said in a soft voice. Mikasa glanced at her, understanding filling her eyes at the girl’s sorrow.

“You miss him.”

Annie closed her eyes and nodded. A single tear fell from her eyes.

“I miss them too.” Mikasa whispered back. She felt something in herself stir, at the vulnerability in Annie’s eyes. Before she could stop herself-

“Their deaths, it wasn’t an accident.…..Asians were very rare, where I lived.” She saw Annie turn to look at her. Mikasa could tell that she understood, just like she had understood last night.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Mikasa turned at another intersection, as they arrived at a red light. 90 seconds.

“Mikasa.” The woman turned to look at the blond. It felt so intimate, the sound of her name from Annie’s lips. The blond looked at her with an unreadable expression. 

“Thank you, for telling me.”

The air felt lighter after that, like a weight had been lifted off. The rest of the journey was in peaceful silence, as Annie finished off the doughnuts. Mikasa stopped outside Annie’s building, but before Annie could make a move to leave, Mikasa looked downwards and said-

“I have something for you.”

Annie turned, and then looked down at Mikasa’s bandaged hand. Clutched in her fingers was her hair band. She thought she had lost it at the party. It made something in her skip, that Mikasa had kept it. And bringing it up now, it was a quiet acknowledgement of last night. She smiled as she brought her fingers over the band. As they touched it, they grazed Mikasa’s hand, sending shivers down her spine. She felt Mikasa take a breath and then her fingers curled upwards to entwine with her own. They sat like that for a few minutes, until Annie chuckled at a thought-

“Armin asked me if I wanted to go out to some Town fair.”

Mikasa’s head leaned against the headrest as she tilted it to the side to look at her. “What did you say?”

Annie turned to face her. Mikasa’s eyes were raw with honesty, and a part of her knew, but she wanted to hear her say it. 

“What would you want me to say?” 

Mikasa’s gaze fell to Annie’s lips, and then looked back into her blue eyes. She leaned forward to meet her in the middle. Her voice was a rich mixture of emotions; hesitation, possessiveness, elation, resolution, and a myriad others as she murmured against Annie’s lips -

“Tell him that you are going with someone else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for reading, reviewing and leaving kudos!  
> I'd love to get some feedback on the writing and everything so let me know what you think. :)  
> Lots of love!


	6. You Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, new chapter!  
> What do you even mention in these notes?  
> I listened to nothing while writing this.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!  
> Edit: Minor edits to the Mikasa-Sasha conversation because I realized it could be confusing.

“Ugh, this is useless.”

Annie huffed out in frustration as the car jerked and stalled for the third time. It almost amazed her how hopeless she was at driving cars. During her training, she had been so used to excelling at all things that required coordination between her limbs and eyes, it simply didn’t occur to her that she could be lesser at something that involved the same. Forget lesser, she was _bad_.

She had landed Reiner’s car in a ditch the first time she tried learning. He had shouted at her in the most high-pitched voice she had ever heard him use, scolding her for denting his _baby_. Formal lessons were hardly any better. Annie felt particularly vindictive about those. The only satisfaction she had got from spending all that money was punching her obnoxious driving instructor.

It did not help that driving made her anxious. She had a very hard time trusting random strangers on the road to drive well when she felt like a road hazard herself. In fighting, at least it was _intentional_ to kill the person approaching from the other side. While practicing in an isolated lot did quell that particular concern, her concentration was even worse than usual.

She couldn’t even blame her mind, it had completely shut down when Mikasa decided to send her into sensory overdrive. By putting Annie on her lap.

“Relax, you are too tense. The pedals are confusing at first.”

It was hardly a first, and Mikasa’s calm voice in her ear did little to help her _relax_. The taller woman had offered to teach her, and Annie honestly did want to learn. Verbal instruction, demonstrations, and putting a foot on hers from across the other seat had all failed. Mikasa concluded that she was good enough at handling the wheel; she just needed a more thorough instruction in using the pedals.

_Here. Let me show you._

Her bare legs clad in shorts rubbed maddeningly against the entire length of Mikasa’s jeans, a little disjointed because the woman was so _goddamn_ tall. Mikasa had made an exaggerated show of pushing the seat backward to accommodate her legs, and the teasing did little to quell Annie’s frustration. One of Mikasa’s hands was placed casually on her thigh. She watched her feet dip with Mikasa’s as the woman explained what she was doing wrong.

“…..you don’t accelerate enough and release the clutch too roughly. It causes the car to jerk...”

She really wanted to concentrate on the words, but she could feel Mikasa’s chest press into her with every breath. The woman’s fingers were lazily grazing just above her knee, and her other hand played with Annie’s on the wheel. Annie had a suspicion that it was all deliberate.

“….To make the gear change smoother, let the gearshift pause for a second as it crosses the neutral…”

Annie whined and pushed the back of her head against the headrest. Mikasa chuckled at that and moved her arm to encircle her waist. She pushed her nose into Annie’s neck, giving a nip.

“You are a terrible student. Maybe we should take a break.” Mikasa murmured against her skin and Annie couldn’t turn fast enough. Couldn’t wait to capture Mikasa’s lips with her own. She replied with her own bite for the little insult, but the feeling of Mikasa’s tongue pushing against her own made her incapable of keeping track of such petty things. She turned further to straddle Mikasa, pressing flush against her body. A small groan escaped her lips as one of Mikasa’s hands went to knot through her hair, and the other played with the hem of her top.

It had been more than two months since Mikasa first kissed her in this car, but she never got used to the feeling. They actually ended up attending the town fair. It had been such an awkward date, Annie figured they had a much harder time talking when neither of them was in an emotional crisis. Her panic at the loss of things to say had become so acute at one point, she considered fleeing. But when Mikasa had made a shy attempt to hold her hand, she felt something in her come to ease.

Since then, it became a thing for them to watch the city lights flicker against the black waters of the lake. When she asked her about Eren, Mikasa had told her she met him when they were nine, she told her he had saved her, although without further elaboration. She told her how much she loved him.

_“He’s like an annoying little brother. I couldn’t bear to see him get hurt.”_

In return, she had told her about Reiner and Bert. How they had stuck together since her father died. Annie felt a little uneasy delving in the past, but Mikasa had been respectful. She didn’t ask for anything Annie didn’t give willingly, just smiled when Annie told her how the two were like older brothers to her, although still pretty annoying.

Mikasa visited the Dojo twice a week. She had offered to give her lifts after her class as they left around the same time. Her requests to pay for gas had been met with stringent refusal, so she had settled for buying Mikasa doughnuts at the drive-through. Drive-throughs turned to occasional dinner dates, and dates were capped with stolen kisses in Mikasa’s car. And by the lake, and on walks.

And when they had stolen one such kiss on the rooftop at Christa’s birthday party, the entire social group went abuzz with the news of them being together. Sasha had shouted at Mikasa for keeping her out of the loop for weeks, _“I thought we were friends, Mika!”_ and Connie had stared at the couple for the entire party with a disturbing, dreamy expression. Reiner had not attended the party, and Annie had grumbled a little about being unable to simply borrow his car, not knowing how to drive. It was on the lift back that Mikasa had offered to teach her.

“It’s getting late. We should pick up the lessons tomorrow.”

Mikasa looked at her phone. It was almost 12:30 in the noon. They had just finished mid-terms, and so Mikasa had no classes today. But she did have to go for lunch with Sasha.

“If they are as productive as this one, I think you’d need to give me a lot of lessons.”

Mikasa chuckled at that. They had spent more time making-out than actually practicing. She drove back towards the nearest intersection from Annie’s building in her path. She had offered to drop Annie back home, but the girl had refused, deciding to walk the remaining distance.

“I don’t mind. Although your propensity to punch driving instructors is alarming.” Annie shoved her a little at that. Mikasa had a thing for laughing at her expense.

“In case it gets that bad, I’ll just hire you as a driver.”

 

\-----xxxxx------

 

“We need to get the Potjiekos for sure, but you think we should order the Ethiopian Chicken Stew, or the Bunny Chow? The stew is the popular favourite but a friend in Lit told me that the Bunny Chow is a hidden treasure. It’s such an impossible choice. You know what, let’s get them all!”

Sasha looked deeply satisfied with her conclusion as she sat opposite Mikasa at the restaurant table. Mikasa had become used to the girl’s antics, but the waiter looked almost scared as he scurried away with the order.

“I think I’m failing a couple of subjects this time. How were yours? Probably good.”

“Fine.” 

Sometimes Mikasa felt tired by simply looking at Sasha, the girl exuded such energy. Nevertheless, she was the first friend that Mikasa made in college. Or more accurately, was cornered into making. They had been partnered on a project in freshman year, and Sasha had become a friend by sheer force of will. A dear friend.

“Armin is _such_ a little shit! He refused to tell me a single answer. When you see him, tell him that, that he’s a little shit.”

Mikasa chuckled at that. She made a note to repeat it at dinner. Things had gone back to normal with Armin, but when the blond had initially discovered that she was taking Annie to the fair, he had been upset with her for days.

_“Why didn’t you tell me she liked you, Mikasa. That was so embarrassing!”_

She had apologized several times, said that she didn’t know what they had been; what she was to Annie. It was eventually her own insecurity at entering a sort-of-relationship with Annie that made Armin sympathize with her, and for things to go back to normal. 

“How are things with your girl?” Sasha waggled her eyebrows a little.

“Good.”

“You two did it yet?” Sasha laughed as Mikasa choked on a piece of bread. 

“Well?” Mikasa gained back her composure to glare at the other girl, who looked back defiantly.

“Oh fine, don’t tell me. You are such a gentlewoman.”

The conversation turned to more mundane things, but Mikasa’s mind drifted back to it, the thought of _actually_ being with Annie. It seemed so affecting if they ever went around to in, she thought she might vaporize. Physical closeness was another subject, but she had never been this close with another person before, and she had barely asked herself if she wanted to be. Until recently.  
What really scared Mikasa, was that if they were to be that close, she won’t be able to hide anymore.

 

\-----xxxxx------

 

Annie worked over her instruction schedule. She had walked back to her house from where Mikasa dropped her off. She wasn’t particularly hungry, so she had eaten a salad for lunch, and then proceeded to do her laundry.

It was a strange enough thing, but initially, when Annie went into hiding, she had no clue how to do her laundry. She had been a part of the Military’s elite program for as long as she could remember. Her father had made her train for long hours until she dropped on her bed to get much-needed sleep. Even in the modern era, for her excelling in combat was not a secondary skill, it was a base requirement. It took all of her time to perfect her kicks, jabs, locks, and punches, but once she started training as a Titan, she had felt like she was back to square one. It was like a biological robot that responded to her movements and magnified them.

Her hands had to adjust to the relatively slower motions of the massive Titans, to the incredible momentum generated when she moved too fast, and to the recoil that accompanied each impact. Gauging the opponent was a much different process; accounting for much smaller bodies had been different. The first time she had tested it, she was 11. She had been happy that day. The Titan had made her feel bigger, not like the scrawny little thing that she was. Sometimes when she felt particularly honest with herself, she missed being able to become one. The ability had required incredible technical inputs for sustenance, which wasn’t a possibility after the war was over.

She shook off her thoughts, returning to the schedule in her hand. Today’s class was especially centered around how to counter a large opponent. It always worked better when she had someone to help her demonstrate, but both Reiner and Bert were busy, and she didn’t have anyone else that she could ask...

Or did she?

 

 **Annie:** Hey, busy in the evening?

 **Mikasa:** Dinner with Eren and Armin. Do you need anything?

 **Annie:** Kind of. I need someone to throw over in my class today.

 **Mikasa:** I’ll be there. :)

 

Annie found Mikasa leaning against the building’s wall. They made their way to the studio as Annie explained the moves to her.

Mikasa watched Annie from the side as she addressed her class, explaining to the kids how to use their opponent’s momentum against them. How to use their smaller size to an advantage. She was a sight. Strong, focused, she commanded their full attention, even with Mikasa in the room. It wasn’t, however, her form, though _so_ attractive as she stretched with the kids, but her voice that enchanted Mikasa. She did not sound like her usual self when they had company; quiet, or bored, or tired, or sarcastic. Her voice was brimming with enthusiasm.

They arranged the mats to ensure that Mikasa would not get hurt. Then Annie looked up at Mikasa and motioned at her to approach her. Mikasa lunged at her, and Annie side-stepped, grabbing at her hand to twist it as she raised a leg to knee Mikasa in the abdomen. All in slow motion. She then proceeded to show them how to get out of several holds and locks. Having Mikasa’s arms around her did pleasant things to her stomach, but she remained professional.

At last, she showed them the move; to throw over an opponent. Mikasa felt slightly indignant at the cheer that followed as she landed on the mat. The move was just for demonstration, and Annie urged them to avoid using it until they were sure of their strength.

“Okay, class dismissed! Say hi to your parents for me.”

Annie felt Mikasa move closer to her as the kids filtered out of the class. Mikasa was holding Elise’s hand and talking to her about the class. It warmed Annie’s heart, the sight. Her thoughts went back to the time when she had felt jealous over Elise liking Mikasa. Turns out she couldn’t really fault her anymore. She watched the little girl skip away.

“It didn’t hurt right, the fall?” Annie asked quietly.

Mikasa shrugged and smiled at that. Annie moved a little closer and trailed a fingernail over Mikasa’s abs, where the nebula had been, as she said-

“It would if I would have meant it to.” Mikasa’s smile grew to a grin, as a fire lit in her grey eyes. She countered-

“I wouldn’t give you the chance.” 

The voice had that smug lilt that Mikasa so loved using to tease her for her height. It wasn’t, however, that which got her attention. It was a discordant note that made her look up to look at Mikasa. There was a hard look in Mikasa's eyes, something that she tried to cover up with a light voice. The thing was, she knew. To be as good as they were at fighting, it wasn’t something you learned in a studio. The cost that it incurred had to be paid in blood. But Mikasa did not know that she knew. And so she replied with her own attempt at lightness.

“You think you could take me on?”

Mikasa turned away from her, her voice almost melancholic as she replied- “I’m sure.” 

 

\-----xxxxx------

 

Annie returned home to find Reiner waiting outside her apartment. He looked up at her when he heard her footsteps, then lifted a packet of Thai take-out in his hands. She opened the door and they made their way inside. 

“Did you put a dent on her car too?” Reiner asked as he attacked the Pad Thai. 

She rolled her eyes and flicked a piece of shrimp on him. He smiled as he caught it and ate it. He then proceeded to steal another one from her plate and ate it too.  
“Don’t be an asshole. It was fine.”

“So you _can_ drive now?” He waited for her response in silence, a smug look on his face. She took a sip of water and then threw another shrimp at him. He chuckled as he ate that one too.

“Bert?”

“He’s been sleeping all day. Barely slept during the week, with mids or whatever.” Annie noticed a hard note in his voice but didn’t comment on it.

“How are things between you and Mikasa?” She could hear it in his voice, that he was trying. They had been at odds since the beginning of her, _whatever it was_ with Mikasa. And so she tried too, to explain it.

“Good, actually. It feels…different with her.” He stopped eating at that. A hint of ruefulness colored his eyes.

“That’s the thing, isn’t it? I can see it. It’s why I can’t make you leave.” She stopped too, to give him her full attention. He sighed deeply under her gaze.

“You don’t…it doesn’t matter to you? What she did, to so many of ours.” His voice wasn’t accusatory; he was done being that over all this time. He genuinely wanted to know what she felt. She thought over it. 

It hadn’t been easy, to completely glaze over the fact that Mikasa was, in fact, responsible for killing a lot of her comrades, maybe some of her close acquaintances. She had thought about it till late one night until she decided to think of it no more. She had been a good warrior when she started out. But then things had changed. They always do when you start contemplating the meaning behind your actions. She had started wondering if being a good warrior was the opposite of being _good_. The knowledge, it had been anguish. And while she wasn’t sure if _this_ was good, Annie wanted to give herself some semblance of happiness before letting her thoughts screw it up.

“I don’t like her for what she did. I don’t like myself for what I did either. I can’t say that I have all the answers, Reiner, but what I feel with her, it doesn’t change, even when I know what she has done. Even when I know she was the enemy.”

Reiner looked into her eyes; his expression was inscrutable. The way he peered at her, she felt he could perceive every thought in her head.

“You do. But she doesn’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the people that read, liked and commented! Your feedback is my fuel. :)  
> My schedule is getting hectic, but I hope to keep up this pace.  
> Let me know what you think of the story till now!


	7. Oblivion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, a new chapter, and it's a little longer than usual!  
> The not-so-good news, I've been finding lesser and lesser time to write. A little low on inducement too. Bear with me if the future updates are late.

A gentle glow filled the room, the light of the afternoon sun diffused in through the curtains drawn on the windows. The shades of pink in it, they cast everything in the room in a languorous trance, but the occupants on the bed could barely notice. They were in their own trance.

“Mikasa.” 

She felt her entire body thrum at the sound of her name. It was music to her ears, the sounds that Annie made when she ran her fingers over the woman’s exposed body. But her own name off-of Annie’s moist lips, it made every sensation in her expand and magnify. It clouded her mind in this haze that made rational thought impossible. Especially when she said it like _that_.

“Oh God. Please don’t stop.” Annie prayed in a whisper. Not that Mikasa could, even if she wanted to. The gentle gasps that left her lips, they barely synced with the sway of their bodies as the two rocked into each other. Nor did their languid pace match the rapidity of Mikasa’s beating heart, but it all mixed together to form a medley that she never wanted to escape. The expanse of Annie’s smooth, _smooth_ skin; it felt otherworldly. And when Annie wrapped those beautiful legs around her, she felt a groan escape her lips. 

Not like the groan that followed afterward, as she heard her phone ring. She could barely make out the sound, her face buried in Annie’s hair, pushing against her neck as their beings pushed against each other. 

“Mikasa. You have to get up.” Her body protested at the thought, and she was almost angry with Annie for suggesting it.

“No I don’t.” The phone blared on. She scrunched her eyes to stay in the moment. She could feel her release approaching.

“Get up. You have to drop Eren to the clinic.”

Her eyes flicked open in the faint glow of her room, as her hand frantically looked for her phone to shut off the annoying alarm. She let out a deep exhale as the sound ceased and her head cleared up a little.

_Fuck Sasha._

It had been almost a week since Sasha had brought it up at the lunch, and since then Mikasa had caught herself subconsciously indulging in thoughts of being with Annie. She made her way off the bed, the motion of her limbs letting her know of the wetness between her legs. She had half a mind to get back in the bed and finish, but the clock told her otherwise.

She freshened up and got into the shower. The haze of longing that seeped in her mind from the _manner_ of her waking up was finally chased away by the water running down her back. And with the vacuum that it left came other thoughts. Her conscious mind thought much of the same thing as her unconscious one, just not in the same manner. She wasn’t bothered by the fact that she had a wet dream about Annie. More accurately, _three_. It was a natural reaction when they had become fairly close. What bothered her was the follow-up.

Annie was ridiculously attractive, and she wasn’t the only one to feel that way. While she had been young, every other emotion was eclipsed by the need to keep Eren safe. But it must not have been the same for Annie. She probably had experience, and _expectations_. It had been three months since she first went out with Annie, and she was made aware by the apparent concerns of Sasha that it would be normal for them to have done it by now. Moreover, she wanted to _do it_. But what separated fantasy from reality, was that in every single one of those dreams, Mikasa could _feel_ that Annie knew who she was. Mikasa wasn’t unfamiliar with sex, she was unfamiliar with intimacy. And while she had crossed several lines of intimacy with Annie, this one felt too personal, too far. To cross this one with the façade on, it made her feel like a liar.

What made her even more apprehensive was that Annie seemed to see through everything that she built around herself. The thought of lying to her in that manner filled her with despair, but the thought of letting the truth slip in the confines of her arms, it made Mikasa fill with dread. Because Mikasa knew that if Annie knew, she wouldn’t stay. 

And her desire to _be with_ Annie couldn’t weigh against the thought that she won’t ever be with her again. 

 

\------xxxx------

 

“Eren! Please tell me you brought the coffee.”

He smiled as he took a seat opposite Dr. Hange. He placed a box of Danish pastries and two cups of black coffee on the table. Eren had attended his first session a year and a half ago, and quit his first time about 7 months back, when he quit on sobriety. However the way Mikasa had looked at him after the Bar Fight, it made him wish he wasn’t who he had become. The look on her face when he told her that he was returning; he cherished it. But at the end of the day, he was here for himself.

It had been a while before he resumed his sessions, but they had done this so many times, he knew what Hange liked for almost any meal of the day. It was the least he could do when she offered to see him without anything in exchange. Hange was an old friend of Levi. She had been a part of the intelligence team that was responsible for breaking several key hostages in the war. As a psychotherapist, she was highly recommended for veterans. He had initially felt apprehensive about seeking her help, but the secrecy required for the information he had to share did not leave much choice. Nor did the state of his life at the mercy of his impulses. He wanted to change.

“How was your week?” She asked him as she generously ate from the box of pastries.

“Great, actually.” He took a sip of the coffee to wet his throat. He knew what would follow.

“Ooh, tell me more.”

“I paid back Mikasa and Armin for all of the past bills. I got employee of the month.” He smiled a little at the last bit of information. With anyone else, he would feel little for taking joy in the title. But with Hange, it was….safe. He knew that deep down, she did not care for him all that much, and strangely enough that made him comfortable. He couldn’t hurt her.

“That’s great! And how is your secret love affair?”

Eren’s smile broadened at that. He had wished she would ask that.

“It’s great. I finally proved Kepler’s Conjecture. Pulled out a few hairs, but it felt great.”

She beamed at him. She was a minor in Mathematics, and made him prove it for her with razor sharp scrutiny. It was their little secret, his so called affair with Maths. Eren never told Mikasa or Armin because they were so excellent in academics, he never felt he could match up. And other than them, telling someone did not seem to matter. Hange had once suggested that he should apply to a college, but Eren had refused. He liked mathematics because it calmed him down. He wasn’t a genius at it, but fighting with equations took his mind off of fighting other people. It had been the one thing that had helped him with his anger.

He had stayed up all night to prove the theorem before the session. He had almost lost his head when he couldn’t make sense of the problem, but there was a gentle voice in his head that kept him sane. _Try._ It was a little unbelievable when he actually did it.

He looked at his hands, then looked up to see Hange looking at him with a bemused expression. Feeling something in him come to peace, and a spark of the enthusiasm he was so filled of as a child, he stared back into her eyes with determination as he said-

“Hange, I want to try again.”

 

\------xxxx------

 

“How was it?” Armin asked, as Mikasa and Eren settled around the table. They had been peacefully quiet in the car. Mikasa had learned that Eren liked his space when it came to the sessions. 

"Fine" Eren replied with a grin as he picked up a sandwich. 

It wasn't the only thing where Eren liked his space. He had grown up to be so individualistic, on the peak of his addiction a couple of years ago, they had a huge fight when Mikasa had finally had enough. They had been teary eyed when Eren confessed he needed a break, and she agreed it was too painful to care for him sometimes. He had moved out, and in the space, Mikasa had learned to let him go.

 

\------xxxx------

 

Annie waited ouside the building after her class was over. She talked to the last of the leaving parents, smiling lightly when the father of a kid thanked her for helping the boy become more disciplined. Just as she bid him farewell, she saw a tall figure walk out of the plaza. Kenny.

Kenny had been the sole figure operating in the business of teaching martial arts before she had shifted here. His Dojo in the plaza was to train exceptional fighters, but she knew he owned businesses across the city that catered to all skill levels. She learned he had been undefeatable as a fighter; until he met Mikasa. He turned to watch her from across the street, a look of mild interest on his features. He walked up to her and drawled-

“Self-defense isn’t the best point to sell your classes, little girl.”

She forced herself to remain calm at that. Annie could see that he wanted to get a rise out of her. He continued without caring- “For parents to see the need to teach their kids self-defense, they first have to accept the reality that their kid could be harmed. You’d be surprised how many would like to live in oblivion.”

While his tone was mocking, his words seemed to be genuine enough. He sighed at her lack of response as he looked away.

“Try throwing in words like discipline and shit in your brochure. Or hey, put something in about slimming them down. You’ll catch all of the fat ones with that.” 

Annie scowled at him. He replied with a broad smile, his lips parting to display mottled teeth.

“Oh sugar, don’t get upset. I can’t piss-off my top student’s little girl. She already seems pretty wound up today. Why don’t you wait for her inside.”

Annie would have declined and left, but the thought of Mikasa being on edge drew her concern. She had been a little distant the whole week. Kenny walked her inside to a practicing arena. She saw Mikasa from across the room. Her fists, wrapped in bandages, were pounding at a punching bag. She was cut off from the rest of the world by a pair of earphones. As Annie walked closer she could see the sweat trickle down her exposed back. Annie felt her throat go dry; all Mikasa wore was a pair of black shorts and a black sports bra.

“I won’t interrupt if I were you. Sometimes I think her reflexes are _too_ sharp.” Kenny smirked at her as he left them. Alone.

Annie took his advice and settled on a bench. Contrary to popular opinion, Mikasa had a terrible temper. From what she had witnesses, it was just that the walls around her wouldn’t let her explode. When she was pent up, Mikasa imploded. And she was a lot of things, but she wasn’t forgetful. If she forgot about picking up Annie, it was possible that something was bothering her. Annie could also see it in the tenseness of Mikasa’s muscles.

Annie felt a shiver run down her spine. Mikasa’s form, the sheer force of her impacts, the strength in her muscles. It was all on display, unrestrained, all for her. She felt herself burn as she gazed at Mikasa. Annie was good at combat. She was aware of it. But in that moment she felt acutely aware of the fact that Mikasa _could_ possibly kill her. It won’t be easy for the other woman. But the loss of a moment’s concentration, a slip, and Mikasa could very well do it. It spiked her blood with fear, but it was also strangely exhilarating; and _attractive_. To finally meet her match.

Not that Annie could see Mikasa harming her. The woman had only ever been gentle with her.

_“But she doesn’t know.”_

Reiner’s voice resonated in her ears. The words had tormented her for the days that filled in between. But to her own astonishment, her fear of Mikasa discovering the truth wasn’t simply the instinctual fear for her own life. It was also the loss of having Mikasa in her day. 

It wasn’t just that; for the first time in her _normal_ life, Annie could truly relate with something that people around her experienced. It made her feel like she belonged; made it easier to hide. But while hiding from them became easier, hiding from Mikasa had become difficult. That day when Mikasa helped out in her class, when she had been upset, Annie had wanted to take her in her arms, to let her know that she truly understood. She sighed as she pressed her face in her palms. She wondered when the problem turned from Mikasa knowing to her not knowing.

_Fuck Reiner._

She was pulled out of her shell when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Mikasa was looking at her with concern, and…conflict.

“How long have you been waiting?”

Annie was jarred at the suddenness. “Um, not long, I guess.”

Mikasa frowned as she looked at the clock on her wall. It was close to half an hour since Annie’s class dismissed. She turned back to stare at Annie. Hard. There was a tenseness in her jaw that made Annie wary. So it surprised her a little when Mikasa said-

“You look good.” 

She was at a loss for words, simply nodding. She racked her brains to try to remember what she was wearing without looking down. The compliment felt a little out of place, especially when she could barely keep her eyes from wandering over Mikasa’s front. Mikasa sighed at her silence.

“You mind if I take a quick shower? I’ve inconvenienced you as it is, a little more can’t hurt.”

Annie’s eyebrows shot up by a fraction as she nodded. Mikasa sounded almost… pissed-off. And then as she sat there waiting for Mikasa to return, a thought took root in Annie’s mind. _Was Mikasa upset with her?_ The bite in her voice, she wasn’t used to it. She had heard it only a few times, directed at a rash driver, a persistent admirer, but never at her. And as she made her way with a freshly bathed Mikasa to her car, hands running through hairs that the woman had hastily dried at the facility, Annie wondered if Mikasa hadn’t forgotten. If she had wanted her to go back to her home on her own. 

They got into the car in silence. She watched Mikasa grip the wheel tightly with a hand, but she didn’t start.

“Is there something wrong?”

Mikasa shook her head and started the car. They barely went for five hundred meters when they met a red light. 110 seconds. Mikasa cut the engine with a rough jerk, then pushed her back into the car seat with a sharp exhale. She was the picture of frustration. It made Annie feel like she was an inconvenience-

“Do you want me to leave?” 90 seconds.

Mikasa turned to her sharply. Her voice was drenched in indignation – “What? No!”

It barely reduced the tension, but Annie felt compelled to resolve it.

“Do you want me to…stay?” Something in Mikasa’s eyes softened at that, like she was seeing Annie for the first time that day. She sighed as her hand found Annie’s, holding it tightly. She whispered with her eyes closed.

“I do. More than you could imagine.” 70 seconds.

She looked to the side to meet her eyes. “I’ve been terrible today, haven’t I? It’s just, you’ve been on my mind for the whole day. The whole week, actually. And to have you here, alone, it was…a lot.” 50 seconds.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Mikasa let out a quick breath at that. “No, it’s not you. It’s me.”

Mikasa suddenly looked nervous- “Annie, there’s something I haven’t told you.”

Annie felt her throat constrict. She gulped. _Now? Here? I already know._ Mikasa closed her eyes, seemingly gathering her courage-

“I have been dreaming about you.” She let it out like it was a crime, and Annie waited for her to continue. 20 seconds.

“….You’ve been dreaming about me?...” Mikasa seemed irritated at that but she couldn’t help herself. Annie let out half-a-laugh, a little relief flooding her system. 

“Dreaming about me. Why would that make you..” understanding engulfed her mind as blood rushed to her face. So _it was_ her that had affected Mikasa’s behavior, just not in the way that she had thought. Annie’s mind went over the evening to find clues, but it was drunk on the knowledge that the thought of her could affect Mikasa to this extent. _In this way._

It was exhilarating, somehow. Intoxicating. Annie wondered if this is what it meant to feel _wanted._ The muscles rippling under that exposed back; slender, sculpted thighs, the look of Mikasa’s face drenched in sweat. Annie had no idea what clues she would find in them, but the memories took hold of her mind and her body. So lost in sensation she was, she barely noticed that they had arrived outside her building. Mikasa was in a tense silence, probably waiting for her to leave. But now Annie _knew_ , she didn’t want her to leave. She turned to look at Mikasa, her eyes a mirror of their match, her voice dripping with desire -

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

 

\------xxx-------

 

“Third. It’s on the third floor.”

Mikasa returned to her lips as soon as she breathed the words out. They barely made it through the stairs. It was a small thing for Mikasa to lift Annie, just a lot harder to look where she was going. Annie made quick work of the lock, but they didn’t bother with the lights. She guided Mikasa to the bedroom, her thoughts gaining coherence when the word left her lips. This was it. She felt her entire body shimmer with anticipation, even as nervousness engulfed her. It was such a frenzy of sensations and emotions, she was scared her being won’t be able to contain it. The only thing that kept her grounded was the feeling of Mikasa’s body. A million thoughts raced through her head as Mikasa gently lowered her on the bed, and Annie decided to shut her mind and give in to oblivion.

She _loved_ this. How her body coiled against Mikasa’s, how her skin rubbed against skin. It rendered her a thoughtless being, a bundle of instincts. As the sensations built, she felt such urgency rise within her, it made her restless, spiked her blood. Mikasa moved on her like an animal, so lithe and powerful, biting at her neck, so determined in her pursuit to consume Annie, it set every nerve in her on edge. And when Mikasa moved to cover her body with her own and blocked out the world, Annie opened her eyes to find pools of black in grey eyes looking back at her, and they acquired such a strange glint as they reflected the meager light that came in through the door, it triggered memories in her head that she could barely process.

_…Grey eyes that peered at her through the Titan’s with the promise of murder….. The first time she was held in a lock, unsure if she could ever escape…. The heat of being trapped in flesh, unable to pull away, unable to breathe…._

Something in her snapped. She gasped for air as she kicked out to break free. Her body curled in a fetal position as a wail of distress left her lips. Her thumb ran desperately over her third finger, looking for the ring that wasn’t there, looking to save her. Please, save her.

When she finally felt she could move again, Annie opened her eyes. She had no idea how long it had been or when the lights were turned on, but her body felt sore, and her breath felt harsh, like she had just finished a marathon. She sat up to make sense of her surroundings. Her blood was coursing through her body, mixed with an alarming amount of what she knew was adrenaline. She looked up to find Mikasa watching her from the floor. There was such fear in her eyes, for a ridiculous moment Annie thought she had turned into a Titan. She looked down to see her arms and legs, as her heartbeat calmed and her memories reminded her of what had happened. And when she looked up, Annie simply understood; like she always did. 

Mikasa was afraid of herself.   
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not how you wanted it to go? Ah well, only fools rush in.  
> Let me know what you think. :) <3


	8. Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! There is sort of a fill for the Mikannie week. A tiny one.  
> As for future updates, frankly, this is the last chapter that I had completely written. So going ahead let's see how it goes.  
> Thanks for reading till now. :)

Mikasa adored how short Annie was. They once went to the mart together, and when Annie couldn’t reach a high shelf, it took all that Mikasa had to not smile. It made matters worse when she went to grab the packet and instead of putting it in Annie’s outstretched hand, kept it on the top shelf. It had taken Mikasa half an hour to convince Annie to let her give the girl a ride back home.

However, now it scared her, just how small Annie looked while curled in on herself. Sweating, trembling, shaking. Shortness of breath. Mikasa knew it was a panic attack. She was familiar with them. And while her own mind was numb with fear, she forced herself to calm down, to help Annie. She moved to give the girl some space and covered her shivering body with a blanket. However, no amount of sympathetic words could draw Annie out of the hell that her mind was probably going through. When the trembling ceased and Annie simply laid there, Mikasa retreated to the floor. To wait.

With inaction came insecurity. It had felt incredible until it all went wrong. And Mikasa wondered if in her haze she had misjudged Annie’s reactions, rushed her into it. She _knew_ she had rushed herself into it. When Annie had looked at her like that, kissed her with that fervor, and asked her to take her inside, Mikasa had made up her mind to give her what she wanted, no matter the state of her own heart the morning after. Or well, what she _thought_ Annie had wanted. 

A shot of guilt wracked her body as she heard a whimper escape Annie’s lips. But it wasn’t the time for that. The time to hate herself would have to come after. She stood up to approach Annie, to comfort her, but something stopped her dead in her tracks. Panic attacks had triggers, and if having Mikasa on her had triggered Annie’s, then she wondered if it was the best decision to hold Annie through it. 

She slid to the floor, feeling helpless. It occurred to her that she might have misjudged Annie’s experience with sex; with intimacy. For all the time they had spent together, she barely knew anything about Annie’s past. She had no idea what started it, and no idea what could help Annie through the ordeal. And in the confines of her confusion mired mind, when Mikasa could find no cause for Annie’s fear, Mikasa could only conclude that in the darkness, Annie had actually _seen_ her. Felt the killer in her. And it had scared her, hurt her. All she could do was hurt, even when she wanted to love.

Annie finally stirred and rose up to look at her. She then looked down to see her own body, and for a second it pained Mikasa to think that the girl might be looking for injuries, thinking Mikasa had hurt her. However, when Annie looked into her eyes again, there was a comprehension in them that pained her more. She got on her feet to pick up her jacket, her eyes averting the gaze that followed her. She wanted to leave, to hide, but the thought of Annie’s wellbeing was greater than her own. She turned back to meet Annie’s eyes, then whispered-

“I’m sorry.”

“Mikasa, you had no-”

“I’m sorry. I am-” She sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands. How do you even begin to apologize for who you are? When you know you cannot change it. She got up, however. She couldn’t be this. Not when she wasn’t sure if Annie was fine. She left the room to get some water. Annie seemed relieved when she walked back into the room and resumed her position.

“Here.” While she didn’t look up, she could hear the sound of Annie gulping down the entire glass. Mikasa felt the other woman move closer, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look up.

“Mikasa. It’s not your fault, what happened. I don’t even understand what happened.” Mikasa looked up. Annie had such a tender expression on her face, such a perception of her thoughts, Mikasa wondered how Annie just knew the right things to do to comfort her. For a second Mikasa considered the possibility if Annie _actually_ knew. She shook the thought away.

“You had a panic attack.” Annie’s eyes widened at that, at the surety in her voice. Her features were conflicted.

“You...how do you know?” It almost felt like a leading question.

“Armin. He…” Mikasa considered what she should say, _how much_ she should say-

“…he learned about it in class. Told me about the symptoms.” It sounded flimsy to her own ears, but Mikasa truly didn’t care. What she did care about, what was suffocating her, was her previous inability to help Annie. If it truly wasn’t her fault, then what kind of memory would set Annie on edge in such a moment? The thought sickened her, boiled her blood. 

“Annie. Do you remember? What started it?” Annie looked up in her eyes, and Mikasa could tell that she was considering telling her.

“Yes.” Her voice was so small, so sure, and so _scared_ , Mikasa wanted to go back in her memories and kill them, whoever made her feel like this. It crushed her in that moment, not knowing. Her rage was subdued in the face of Annie’s small figure, as the woman pulled her knees and hid her face in them. She considered how to find the balance between what would be too much, what would be too little. Finally, Mikasa settled on holding one of Annie’s hands in her own. She moved closer to the girl by a fraction and said-

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

 

\-----xxx-----

 

Annie looked up at that. The question had a weight that made her realize Mikasa wasn’t asking about just today. She had suspected that she could not play Mikasa for a complete fool. It was like trying to hide from her own reflection. But Mikasa had never tried to ask about her past, even if she suspected there was a past. Her tone let Annie know that Mikasa knew, probably had known about it for some time now. She wondered what made her wait all this while to ask the question. Was Mikasa simply respectful, or was it the fear of sharing in return? She couldn’t tell, but there was something she knew for sure now-

“I do.” She whispered back. “But you don’t want to know.”

Mikasa looked astonished at that. She shifted forward, her movements slow, gauging Annie’s reactions for any signs of discomfort as she slowly put her arms around the girl.

“It doesn’t matter.” Annie shifted her gaze to look back into Mikasa’s eyes. She wanted to be able to look into them without letting her past catch up to her. Mikasa looked determined.

“Whatever it is, what they did to you, what you did. It doesn’t matter. I’ll stay.”

Annie felt a hint of morbid amusement rise in her. Did Mikasa even know what she was binding herself into? Good enough. Now even if she couldn’t keep Mikasa, Mikasa couldn’t keep her word.

“You promise?”

“I promise.” Annie relaxed into her grip, hiding in Mikasa’s chest.

“Then stay.”

 

\-----xxx-----

 

“Eren.”

“Mmm?”

“You’re…”

Eren looked up to find Armin looking at him with unease. He then noticed that he had been doing it again. He pulled his hand away from his teeth to find their imprint on the skin. While training as a Titan, one of the smallest and hardest things he had to overcome was the instinct of self-preservation. Injury was the trigger to transform, but that didn’t make it easier to inflict it.

_“You cannot hesitate.”_

He had bitten his hand so many times; he became numb to his reaction to _not_ do it. Moreover, it had become instinctual for him to ready himself for it when he was in distress. In that moment, it was from the equation that stared back at him from his phone. How times had changed.

He had been the Empire’s answer to the enemy forces. There had been those who were more capable than him, more skillful in combat. But as the commander had put it, Eren’s blood-thirst for revenge made him the perfect candidate. To become a Titan, one had to sacrifice an essential part of their humanity; the value of human lives. And he had already sacrificed a lot by that point.

“I tried calling Mikasa. She didn’t pick up.” Armin looked a little apprehensive.

“Relax Armin. She had training today. She probably got busy with Annie.” 

Armin’s cheeks colored at the implication. He was happy for Mikasa, but it hadn’t stopped him from feeling jealous of her in the beginning.

“Mikasa used to pick up, regardless.” Eren could tell that Armin wanted to add to that, so he didn’t bother replying.

“I...She’s got something, hasn’t she? Annie.” Eren looked up at that. Armin was staring far off at the opposite wall. 

“You, me, Mikasa. She got to all three of us.” He had an almost pensive note to his voice. Eren huffed in irritation.

“I know you’d like to believe you’re above things like that, but she’s a stunner. And she’s with Mikasa now. That’s it.”

Armin mumbled something in return- “It’s not that…” but Eren had gone back to his phone. He looked at the letters, examined each term, avoiding his instinct to use a pen and paper for Armin was there. Sometimes it drove him insane when he couldn’t figure out how to balance one. He had felt the same way when he lost his mother to the attack. And when he had swiped away at the enemy forces, taking pleasure in their screams, it used to drive him insane at night that the killing never balanced out the loss he felt. Perhaps he had been looking in the wrong places.

The first time he came to terms with his actions, was the first time he killed a soldier with his human hands. And the feeling that came with it, it left him nauseous. It was agony. It had felt like a fair balance to the heinous act of killing. So when he had thought over that night, of the thousands that he had killed as a Titan, Eren couldn’t find anything that could balance his crimes.

His body relaxed as he found the solution; the missing term. He considered telling Armin, but something held him back. It always did. They weren’t the same. A small smile graced his lips as he put the phone down and stared at his hands. It was still instinctual to bite them, but the wounds did not heal anymore. How times have changed.

 

\-----xxx-----

 

Mikasa woke up around 8:30 AM. She felt profoundly glad that it was Saturday and she didn’t have to get out of bed. Annie’s bed.

She felt hungry. They had forgone dinner last night. The aftermath of the attack had left Annie drained. It was to be expected, it used to be the same with Armin. His brain and body used to go in overdrive, leaving him exhausted afterward. Mikasa checked her phone, reminded of last night’s dinner with Eren and Armin that she could not attend, for well, _reasons_. She shot a text to both, to tell them that she was alright, and she will make it up to them in the evening.

Her _reason_ was still fast asleep on the other side of the bed. Last night, Mikasa had held Annie in her arms for an hour, running her hands over the girl’s back to chase away the stiffness in her muscles. But when she finally felt that Annie was going to drift off, she laid the girl’s head on the fluffiest pillow, covered her in the blanket, and rose up to go to the couch.

It made something in her rejoice, the memory.

_“You promised you’d stay.”_

They had barely touched. On another night it might have been a disappointment, but after the events of the evening, it had felt amazing to simply lie next to Annie and hold her hand as the girl fought against the sleep in her eyes, and eventually gave in to rest peacefully. And quietly.

Unlike in the morning, when Mikasa could hear her snoring. It was so uncharacteristically loud for the usually quiet girl, she felt a giggle rise in her. The sensation felt abhorrent; she didn’t even remember if she could giggle. She heard Annie’s rhythm break as a gentle sound of _wooosh_ escaped the tiny woman’s lovely lips.

Well, apparently Mikasa _could_ giggle. They almost had sex last night. And they never went around to actually discussing what Annie was hiding. On any other day it might have been a disappointment, but in that morning Mikasa felt content with just the knowledge that Annie snored.

 

\-----xxx-----

 

She went to their place to train, and then the three settle down to have lunch. Reiner had finally eased into the idea of staying in Trost, so Annie refrained from telling them about the panic attack. It made her uneasy to be hiding things from them, but she reasoned with herself that she’ll tell them once she figured it out herself.

The morning had been quiet. She woke up feeling drowsy; it had been a deep sleep. To her, it felt like her mind had exhausted all of its ability to think in those terrible minutes. Mikasa had cooked breakfast for her, then left to get some work done. They were meeting at the bar in the evening. Left alone with herself, Annie had cupped her head in her hands, thinking over last night. She found it hard to comprehend that her body was capable of having a reaction like that. It sobered her up. 

It was a hard pill to swallow, but the truth did catch up with her. Oblivion wasn’t always bliss and she had to finally consider the consequences of jumping into this thing. She tried to rationally ponder over Mikasa’s reactions, to gauge how she was as a person. And then for the first time, Annie considered, really considered telling Mikasa the truth.

The problem was, that she could gamble on her own life, but it wasn’t in her to risk the lives of Bert and Reiner. Revealing her identity would draw suspicion to those closest to her, and Annie wasn’t willing to risk that. 

No matter how many promises Mikasa made, knowing who Annie really was would change the game. It could break what they had in a moment. And what they had had become a drug for Annie. She had felt so jarred out of herself, it was the first time she was seeing her relationship with Mikasa objectively. It occurred to her that she was really, really infatuated with the other woman. It made every day feel lighter, every moment seem exciting. It was probably happiness. Any alternative to having Mikasa had seemed unacceptable. Until now. Now it seemed like the _cleanest_ solution. Distance. To break things off before they became messy. 

Annie thought over it long and hard. She tried to convince herself that it was the only viable option, but the physical reality of not seeing Mikasa the next day, it depressed her. How could she go back to going through the motions of life when she knew it was possible to feel this way? She resented how intangibilities in the past complicated matters in her present. And for the first time since they kissed at Sasha’s party, Annie resented the fact that Mikasa had been the enemy. It was either that or resenting herself.

“Where were you last night?”

Annie looked up to find Bert looking at her deeply. They were back on the porch. She turned away to stare at infinity.

“Home.” 

“She was with you, wasn’t she?” Annie swallowed at that. It made her nervous sometimes, how perceptive he was. She didn’t confirm or deny.

“I called last night. I know Reiner has finally eased into it, but I’ve been reconsidering moving.”

Annie was surprised at that. They never addressed it, but Annie knew Bert was proud of what he had done. Of moving on, finally stepping out in the world, making a place in it. 

She was proud of it too. To leave would be to give it all up again. At least for a while.

“What made you reconsider?” 

He turned to her with a small smile. It barely reached his eyes.

“You. Every time you leave with her, I wonder if I’ll ever see you again.”

 

\------xxx------

 

“Oh hey look, everyone’s here now!” Annie heard Connie shout boisterously as she walked in the bar with Bertholdt and Reiner. It was the first time since Sasha’s party that indeed everyone was together. The three went to sit by Nikolo and Sasha on the high chairs by the bar. Annie felt a presence to her left. Mikasa leaned against the counter, still towering over her. Her hand brushed gently against Annie’s side, and the woman adjusted herself so that the contact was broken but they were still close. Annie was surprised to see Mikasa put a drink on the counter. She had never seen her drink before.

“You’re late.” Mikasa spoke quietly in her ear. She tried to quell her reaction to the voice, to remind herself that it was just sound waves washing over her eardrums, but when she moved and accidentally brushed against Mikasa again, Annie couldn’t deny it. She couldn’t deny how the very air seemed to feel charged when they were so close. How warm, and _safe_ it felt to have Mikasa lean beside her, even after what happened last night. Even if she could not fathom it, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t rational.

“I wasn’t too keen. Too many people.” She spoke as she sipped on her own drink. Mikasa seemed to agree to that. She pulled away as Armin and Eren approached the bar.   
Annie was a little surprised when Armin took a drink but Eren did not. Mikasa looked at Armin questioningly, who simply shrugged. Connie walked up to them, and he looked shitfaced.

“Eren, man! Where’s your drink?”

Eren shrugged as he looked at him. “Not drinking.”

He didn’t say anything more or anything less, but there was resoluteness in his eyes. Annie saw Mikasa look at him with an almost hopeful expression, and she felt her heart warm up.

Connie smiled at him broadly-“Wise! Considering last time. You three! I thought you were going to ditch us.”

Annie turned to him as he addressed them petulantly. It was almost adorable. He went on-

“You know, you’re allllwaaaays together. It’s good! Bert, Reiner, and Aaaannniiee. Team B-R-A- Oh, oh my god! From today you are team BRA!” He dissolved into peals of laughter as the three stared at him, aghast. Sasha hastily stepped between Annie and Connie, her motions a little sloppy due to the half-finished drink in her hand. 

“I know he sort of deserves it for that, but please don’t punch him. He was so in awe of you after the last time, it got annoying.”

“Hey wait, Sasha, they are _supportive_ of each other. Gettit?” Sasha lost it at that. She held to Connie as they scoffed like maniacs, then she added her own two cents-

“Yea, no, no. They are chummies. But instead of having each other’s _backs_ -”

“Okay, okay that’s enough!” Annie let out in mild irritation as the entire group dissolved into laughter. She felt a smile touch her lips as she saw Mikasa laughing too. She didn’t do   
it enough, Anne thought to herself.

She felt Armin look at her with interest. He was a little flushed, and his gaze wandered over her as he approached-

“You have a really pretty accent, Annie. It’s from where, exactly?”

“Krolva” It wasn’t. It was from Liberio, but the Krolvan accent had the closest resemblance to her native within the region that formed her cover. It was an essential resemblance too because Annie had tried to lose her accent and failed miserably. It always came back, so she had practice on trying to modify it, rather than completely losing it. She spoke with practiced nonchalance, but she could see Reiner had tensed up a little. He expertly changed the conversation to the art of mixing drinks, trying to engage Armin. 

“Hey, Armin. You ever had a Krolvian Cosmonaut?”

“Umm, what? Uh, I guess I had one at Tim’s-”

“No, no, that’s the point! In Krolva they use wild bilberries, not blueberries. Explosive stuff. The devil is in the details, I tell you…”

Annie felt Mikasa move closer to her and put a hand on her waist. The taller woman leaned down to bring her lips to her ear-

“It _is_ a pretty accent, you know.” Annie felt a rush at the sheer possessiveness in Mikasa’s voice. She turned to reply back, but her words were cut off by a soft pair of lips. Mikasa pulled away a little after a gentle press, to see her reaction. While her hold on her was still firm, her eyes were a maelstrom of conflict. Mikasa was still wary after last night. But the concern in those eyes, they set Annie at ease. Annie closed her own blue orbs and leaned it to meet those lips again. And again. And again.

How could she begin to consider distance?

 

\-----xxx-----

 

They walked out of the bar as the night winded down. It was fairly chilly and he was glad he had decided to wear his thick jacket. His balance was off, not because of the alcohol, but because of untied shoelaces. He knelt on one knee to tie it off as he heard a deafening crash.

A car had rammed into the lamp post about 20 meters away. It hit with such force, the post fell on the parking, _very_ nearly falling on Reiner; but a tip at the end did brush the burly man’s arm. He would have run with the others to check up on the man if it weren’t for his crouched position and shoelaces. But as he saw Reiner trying to reassure his friends, his frame shaking with shock, something else caught Armin’s attention. Bertholdt, who had been near Reiner, was sitting on the sidewalk, trying to calm himself. His hand was clutched between his teeth.

Armin could make out other faint noises as he made his way to the man. He saw Annie put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him, but Armin caught a glimpse of the man’s hand. Bite imprints and injuries. Old and new. 

The devil, it really is in the details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am Connie. :(  
> Let me know what you think. :)


	9. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there. :)  
> First, I'm sorry you don't get consistent updates anymore, but time has a way of being insufficient. I do aim at ending the story, so I will update. Second, the 14 Chapters is an estimate. It was around 10 earlier, but some scenes end up being longer, so the count has changed and may also change going ahead.  
> Anyways, enjoy!

She hated it again, not being able to drive. Annie had had a few more lessons with Mikasa and practiced on her own too, but her nerves were still shot at the thought that the pole could have fallen on Reiner. And so she was, sitting in the front passenger seat as they made their way to the hospital.

Mortality as a concept was never particularly lost on her. It was just that she was a lot less prone to die by random acts of fate when she had the power of the Titans. It had been something to adjust to. It was still something to adjust to. They were secure in their invisibility post-war but were made vulnerable to the knowledge that they could die more statistically insignificant deaths.

_All deaths are significant, or none are._

A strange enough context to remember her father’s words to kill every single one of the enemies. She was immersed in thoughts, and a little glad that Nikolo and Armin helped them out because Bert looked as distraught as her. Armin patched Reiner up and insisted upon cleaning and dressing up Bert’s wounds too. She sat between the warmth of her two friends, and the only other thing that she could barely feel was Mikasa’s gaze on her back. Reiner insisted he could drive them back, and so they made their way back in the tiny car. Reiner killed the engine outside her building but she didn’t get out just yet. He watched her in rear view, then said-

“It’s okay, Ann. I’m okay.” He smiled as she frowned a little at the nickname. He knew she didn’t like it but she let him have it, this once. Reiner was definitely opportunistic.

“I’m glad I got lucky. I’m alive.” There was just such an optimistic tone to his quietly spoken words, Annie couldn’t help but feel content too. That he was still there with his stupidly charming grin. She had a thought that maybe she should hug him, and that’s when Annie called it. She got out of the car before she had any more petrifying emotions.

Sleep was easy courtesy the tiredness that came with the night, and the one before. Eventful. Her life had become eventful. She peered at the text on her phone.

**Mikasa:** Sleep well, love.

Mikasa did get quite drunk by the end of it. Anne ran a finger over the four letters. She was a little thankful for them. Arranged in that order, to form that particular word that Mikasa had used so _casually_ , drunkenly, probably thoughtlessly; they were small enough to not accommodate much thought process, and made thinking about anything else exponentially more difficult. Over and over, she traced them, until she drifted off in the dim light. Trost really was eventful. But strangely it didn’t occur to her anymore, to go back to Shingashina.

 

\-------xxxxx-------

 

They didn’t speak about the text or much else for that matter. Mikasa had become a little distant. Annie wondered if it was sobered up mortification, or simply caution on Mikasa’s part after the panic attack to give her some space. Mikasa skipped a training session too, due to some project in college. So when they finally met outside the building after a few days Annie realized she had missed Mikasa. There was only so much that texts could do, meager as they were.

“Hey.”

Mikasa looked up at her and smiled. “Hey. How was your class?”

“Good.” She looked at Mikasa and tried to figure out what was it that she wanted to say. 

“Been busy?” Mikasa met her eyes at that. There was a hint of guilt in them. 

“Yea, I’m sorry. The project has been hectic.” Annie nodded at that. It conveyed little, but she wasn’t sure how much she wanted to let show. Mikasa followed the movement of her chin. Her gaze was a little intense, maybe because it had been a few days since they saw each other. Annie wondered if maybe Mikasa had missed her too. Perhaps Mikasa picked up on it, because she followed with-

“I’m free tomorrow afternoon. You want to do something?”

 

\-----xxxxx-----

 

Annie had not guessed that the something would be _this_ , but Mikasa had walked them out to a distant, isolated corner of the central park and picked one of the trees to set up her little picnic mat. It was such a formal sheets and baskets affair, Annie felt a little out of her depth. She did like to lie on the grass with the boys once in a while, but Mikasa had planned this stuff, had an entire lunch packed neatly in the basket and a jug of orange juice.

“I like picnics.” Mikasa offered as explanation when Annie gave an amused smile at the look of child-like contentment on her face. The afternoon weather was just a bit warmer, so that the shade actually felt welcome. Not to Mikasa, though. She chose to sit on the edge of the blanket to soak up the sun, until she felt sated and lay down with a sigh. 

Annie dug her chin in her bent knees to hide her smile. Mikasa looked like a lazy cat. She scooted closer to the girl to get some sunlight too, tucking her knees near Mikasa’s mid-section. Mikasa closed her eyes at the contact, as a gentle breath left her lips. They did not look at each other, or their hands as their fingers entwined over Mikasa’s abdomen. Gentle, casual touches. Until Mikasa sighed as she looked at the knit fingers, and Annie felt her hand go slack in her own. It was a little frustrating, especially when it felt like _this_ to touch Mikasa’s skin. But the woman had been cautious to give Annie some space, hold back. She rose to sit up, as her hands pulled away to pour the juice. 

“I wanted to come here with you for a while now.” Mikasa gave her a wistful smile as she handed her the drink. 

Annie peered into the basket as Mikasa removed the top to give her a sandwich, and her jaw dropped. When she asked her about the heaps of food packed in the basket, the woman off-handedly mentioned it had lettuce wraps, three different types of sandwiches, lashings of boiled eggs, a fruit salad, shortbreads, tiny bottles of lemonade, cake, and a box of trail mix _in case_ they got hungry in between.

“Want anything else to eat, some wraps or salad?” Mikasa asked her in a gentle voice, probably unaware that her throat had parched at the sheer amount of food. She gulped.

“Not really.” She hastily added as she saw the ravenette’s face fall a little-

“Not right now. Some water?” Mikasa stared at her for a moment, and then her face scrunched as she covered her eyes with a hand.

“Fuck.” She peered through her fingers to find Annie looking at her with barely contained mirth.

“You brought enough food to feed an army, and forgot _water_.” She collapsed laughing at the glare directed at her; it looked adorable with her mouth set in dismay. She composed herself a little as the intensity of Mikasa’s glare dissolved to reform in a hint of more dismay, her lips pulled down just a little at the corners. It occurred to Annie that she hadn’t kissed those lips in days. It had occurred to her in almost every moment in those days.

She sat up on her knees and bent over the taller woman a little to grab at a bottle of lemonade, and the proximity, the feeling of Mikasa’s breath on her skin, it went to her head. 

She pulled back a little as she hovered close to her lips; the other woman barely moved, lowering her head. She was still conflicted, and Annie had noticed it, how reluctant Mikasa was to hold her gaze, after what happened. She caressed Mikasa’s face with a thumb, and it gratified her to see the woman’s lips part so easily. She wished that Mikasa had suffered as much for the lack of contact, for the alternative made her feel too vulnerable. 

“Mikasa.” Mikasa opened her eyes at the whisper; they were drenched in longing. Annie decided then that she couldn’t suffer any longer.

“It’s okay.” 

Their lips met with excruciating slowness, Mikasa’s eyes never left her own. They looked wary, so wide open to find any signs of disruption, it almost made Annie feel like they were doing this for the first time. Back in Sasha’s room. They parted as she felt Mikasa’s hand cradle her jaw. Firmly. Annie couldn’t tell if it was to keep her off or to keep her close, but she did see Mikasa’s eyes droop a little at the sight of her own open mouth. She prayed for the latter, bent closer in spite of the little resistance; she had been craving this for too long. 

A current ran through her as their lips met again. She could tell it went from her to Mikasa, for the woman’s eyes drooped even further. And when they parted after that, Mikasa’s eyes closed completely, a hand went to remove the bottle from her own, then traveled to her back to dig fingernails in her bare skin as Mikasa swiftly pulled her into her lap. Her legs hastily parted to accommodate Mikasa, to straddle the woman’s side as she felt the lower ridges of Mikasa’s ribs dig into the edges below her waist. She groaned at the contact, wrapped her hands around Mikasa’s shoulders as the woman weaved the fingers of one hand into her tresses, and finally, _finally_ pulled her in to kiss her properly. To run her lips over Annie’s with abandon, and to push them apart with her tongue. Mikasa’s hand traveled up her bare back, along her spine; her palm outspread to touch as much as possible, reverently, almost desperately.

Annie would have continued to kiss Mikasa’s lips for as long as she had gone without them, but they finally separated for the sake of breathing properly. Deeply. She rested her head against Mikasa’s forehead.

“For now.” She looked down a little to make sense of Mikasa’s words, and her tone.

“Mmh?” Mikasa picked up the lemonade bottle and handed it to her.

“For now, the lemonade?” Annie nodded at Mikasa’s words and relaxed as she went back to her older position. She gulped down half of the offered bottle. Mikasa handed her the salad before she could even protest. 

Annie smiled a little cheekily-“Yea well, you have walked us so far out from the main park, it has to do for now.”

Mikasa turned to look up at the tree. -“I like it here. No one comes this far, so no interruptions.”

She raised an eyebrow at that-“Was that the intention? Lure me in this isolated corner, and make-out with _no interruptions_.”

Mikasa's head flicked down to look at her. –“I didn’t particularly plan on the making-out.”

Annie tried to not let that brush her the wrong way. She went back to finish the salad, but it was a little uncomfortable as Mikasa simply stared. Unabashedly. She tried to ignore it, but she did feel her ears heat up a little.

“You like it?” Mikasa asked. Annie bit through the last of it. Mikasa was a ridiculously good cook. But then she was ridiculously good at most things.

“Yep. The dressing is amazing.” 

Mikasa smirked at that. She pulled the empty container out of her hand to replace it in the basket, and Annie wondered if it was force of habit that came with hovering over Eren. Mikasa also pulled her closer by tugging at her hand-

“Not the salad. The making out.”

They were pretty close so Annie was sure that Mikasa could see it, the redness that tinged her cheeks despite her attempts to remain calm in the face of such an unexpected query.

“The unintentional one?” She bit back as she felt Mikasa soothe her sides.

“Yes. The very same.” 

“I don’t suppose I could say no?” She winced a little and amended as Mikasa pinched her at her hip- “Yes.”

Mikasa looked almost relieved at the confession. She encircled Annie’s waist to pull her even closer, a little urgently- “You mind if we get back to it? You can finish the rest in a while.”

The boldness in her voice, the almost business-like note of Mikasa’s request, it made her shiver a little. Mikasa _had_ often been direct with her touches, but never so much with her words. Maybe the woman had missed it just as much as she did. She tried to not react too readily, distracting herself with the _rest_.

“Finish the rest-what--you’re trying to kill me with food, Mikasa?” She let out half a chuckle at the sight of the basket. It really was too much for two people. Or five. Mikasa seemed to disagree. She simply shrugged dismissively, barely distracted by Annie’s attempts at distraction.

“No. It isn’t exactly my go-to method.” She whipped her head back to look at the woman, her eyebrows raised. Mikasa’s voice was dry, distant. A hint of dark humour in those eyes as they peered in her own. Annie knew it was an internal thought, she did it with people too, in mundane conversations, but the thing was, she _did know._

But Mikasa didn’t. She was just as much of an outsider to her as anyone else. So she took it as Mikasa gave it; humour. She then obliged to the woman’s wish. The kiss was a little rougher. A lot messier. It set her off a little, Mikasa’s amusement at her private joke. Annie bit hard at Mikasa’s lips, dug her fingernails deeply at her shoulder-blades. The movements of her body just a little more deliberate, more languorous to tease the other woman. Her gaze was ridiculously brazen, her eyes incautiously expressive. But she couldn’t help it. She stared at Mikasa knowingly, winked as her teeth pulled at the woman’s lower lip. Anything to say what words couldn’t. She wanted Mikasa to know that she wasn’t toyed with. That she shared the joke. It did bother her a little, but it was undeniably there, the thought that a part of her wanted Mikasa to know that she knew.

 

\-----xxxxx-----

 

“Hey Eren, you mind transporting these to the third floor?”

Eren looked up to see Marco standing beside a cart filled with sports gear. He replied-“sure” and went to drag the cart. He saw Marco following him with another one, even more heftily packed. Eren did not know what he did to deserve Marco as a boss. The guy was so nice, his only perceivable character flaw was liking Jean. He inventoried the products and arranged them on the shelves. As he turned a corner, he came face to face with Reiner.

“Hey, Reiner.” Reiner turned to look at him with a slightly startled expression. He then eased into his trademark smile, with a hint of impishness.

“Eren! It never gets old, seeing you in that uniform.”

Eren scrunched his face and shook his head ruefully. At least Reiner didn’t call him cute as Christa did. He looked up to see the burly man testing some small dumbbells.

“Because of the hand?” Reiner nodded at his question, curling his injured arm with caution. 

“I’m easing back into working it out.” Eren looked at the model. 

“Get the LX-500. And go for ones with soft grips.” He then frowned at another set-

“Tell you what, buy this set.” Reiner looked at the kit and frowned-

“That’s too much. I don’t really need to spend all that for interim weights.” Eren shook his head at that.

“No no, it’s already on 10% off, with 20% for the week, and you get a further 20% compounded if you use my card.”

“So I get it for half?”

“No no, compounded. You get it for 0.4.” When Reiner looked even more confused at that Eren just told him the final price. The man lit up at that. 

“That sounds good! You are sharp with numbers.” Eren looked up at that. He felt a little wary, because he _was_ getting really good with numbers, and he didn’t want his friends to know. But then again, Reiner wasn’t exactly close. And Eren knew he would hardly care. It felt like it did with Hanje.

“Yep. I like Math.” Reiner snorted at that and told him he could barely stand it. It was an expected reaction and Eren chuckled back. It felt nice to tell someone. 

 

\-----xxxxx-----

 

She was glad she had to take a class in the evening. It helped take her mind off of things of the picnic. And the smiles of her kids, it did ease the mild tension that had seeped in her muscles. She took some time to touch base with them. Talk to each one about how they were. She looked at the message on her phone-

**Mikasa:** I’ll be late. Wait for me in here? It’s fine with Kenny.

She considered walking back, the weather was fine. But the fact that Mikasa asked her to wait probably meant that she wanted her to wait. And it made her smile. She wasn’t going to lie to herself that Mikasa’s body in workout clothes was not a contributory factor. And as far as she was being truthful to herself, she wanted to be closer to the woman. While physical proximity was rational, her wish to be close, _close_ , was just as conspicuous, if not as rational. She could imagine it as a boundary around Mikasa. All those who knew the secret were inside the boundary, all those who didn’t were out. And her current predicament left her somewhere on it. She wanted to feel how Mikasa felt when they were that honest, when she was inside. Dangerous, the thought felt dangerous. But it was equally addictive to mull over, even as Annie made her way inside the Dojo to where Mikasa practiced. It was mostly isolated, as it was already half an hour past the usual closing. 

The woman was fighting with Kenny. There were no instructions, no words. They fought as equals. It was akin to keeping one’s sword sharp, not forging it. Kenny did seem to be stronger than Mikasa in terms of the force of his impacts, but Mikasa moved with ease, with such lithe movements, they countered the efforts of the big man. One of her eyebrows shot up when she saw Mikasa pull the same move that she had helped her demonstrate in class, and throw Kenny on the ground. Not exactly the same, it was an improvement.

Kenny cursed and got up with a huff. He probably didn’t notice her. Not Mikasa, she had turned to look up at her as soon as they broke apart. Annie wondered when Mikasa had noticed her presence, for she had been quietly watching them spar for some time. Mikasa leaned against the wire around the arena, and when she raised a lazy brow, Annie realized she hadn’t put her own down. 

“Where did you learn that?” Kenny gruffed as he stretched his back. Mikasa barely acknowledged his words, simply flicked her chin towards Annie. Kenny looked from her to Annie, and then back at her. 

“Her? You?” Annie looked at him, bored at his astonishment.

“Huh. I had no clue you could teach an adult, sugar.” She exhaled and ignored him, but he grinned. She had a feeling that he thought it bothered her, but she was used to people underestimating her. Whenever she had an asshole say something like this, she imagined clocking their teeth out with a punch. 

“That was a good move. You get to clean the arena for that. I’ll leave you to it.” He nodded to Mikasa as he walked away and left, as Mikasa proceeded to tidy-up the mat. Annie watched her in silence.

“That was a good modification. You’ve been working on it?” Mikasa looked up at that as Annie walked closer to her. She leaned on the wire as Mikasa had, though she thought it was probably not as attractive as she was a lot shorter than Mikasa. The other woman was dressed more conservatively today, a grey tank top and black full-length tights, but she was still raw from the fight. It was a rush that Annie knew, a fight like that.

“No.” Mikasa didn’t elaborate, so Annie assumed it was an improvisation in the moment. She tried to not be impressed by that. She did them too. Or _had_ done them, when she was in real fights. Equal fights.

“He does that often?” Mikasa looked up to her to ask that. Her tone had an edge to it that belied her seriousness.

“Mock my skill? Only whenever we meet.” Annie smirked a little as Mikasa frowned at that.

“I didn’t mean that. I meant if he called you sugar often. But I’ll tell him to stop the other too.” It was said too offhandedly. Annie quelled her reaction to what Mikasa actually meant, if it bothered her. Annie found herself actually okay with Kenny calling her sugar, if it was this to Mikasa. Though what followed out of the taller woman’s lips was less gratifying.

“He doesn’t understand that not everyone is a professional fighter.” Annie’s eyes narrowed at that, just by a fraction, just by a little. That was unexpected.

If she were to think clearly, then yes it was the logical conclusion that Mikasa wouldn’t think of her as a real fighter. As someone who had fought, and did not simply practice fighting. Or in her case, teach it. To kids. It was reasonable for Mikasa to conclude that, but reasonable did not feel likable. It brushed her off worse than any snarky comment that Kenny had directed at her, Mikasa’s _reasonable_ conclusion. It was a little maddening, how Mikasa simply went on with arranging things in her duffel bag, cleaning the arena without looking at her.

“You don’t have to call him off.” Mikasa shot her a glance.

 

“I won’t let him talk to you like that.” She felt annoyance swell up in her at the almost patronizing note in Mikasa’s voice.

“You don’t have to interfere, Mikasa. He comments, and I ignore his existence. That’s our _professional_ relationship. I can hold my own.” It came out aggressive. There it was again. The desire to let Mikasa know that she wasn’t out of the loop. And while it had been unpleasant when Mikasa treated her like an outsider, it felt enraging to be treated like an amateur. Especially when she had respect for Mikasa’s craft.

_“But she doesn’t know.”_

Annie ignored the voice in her head, especially at the look that came into Mikasa’s eyes as she heard her words. It already irritated Annie before it was said-

“Wait, I didn’t mean to offend you. You’re a great instructor.” She snorted at that derisively. _Great instructor_. It sounded like a consolation prize.

“It’s not the same as actual fighting, though. Every time, every day. With the intent to hurt.” Mikasa had turned away too. The words were spoken into the empty arena, dryly. The voice was dead. The wire felt like that boundary, and Annie couldn’t take it anymore. She bent below it to walk into the arena, close to Mikasa. The woman turned to face her. Her shoulders were set rigidly, fingers curled in a fist. She looked right at her.

“You should be glad you don’t know that. It’s a compliment.” It was a little presumptions, and a lot superior. Mikasa could apparently be a shit. _I do, you fool. It’s you who has no clue._ Annie moved even closer. She pulled at the straps of Mikasa’s top to first get rid of some of that height gap, and then to look into her eyes more properly. 

“Yeah? And how would you know? From your mandatory service in the army when you were never even posted?” It was a little risky, because Annie couldn’t even remember if Mikasa had told her that. But the cover-up was common knowledge, and it was worth it to see Mikasa’s eyes widen a little at that. _Not very careful, are you Ackerman?_

“I never said that I know.” Mikasa replied softly. It had an almost dangerous note to it.

“Well then, I guess you are simply a good student, aren’t you?” Mikasa’s eyes narrowed a little, it was a little threatening, but it was offset by the arm that encircled Annie’s waist.

“It’s getting late. Let’s not fight, _sugar_.” What was it with her voice? Every word challenged her patience. That word, it did things that Annie couldn’t even fathom, especially combined with how much in contact they were now that Mikasa had pulled her closer. Her lips were right there and it was a little tempting, but Annie had kissed them plenty in the afternoon, she could do without for now. Especially when they were moving to form such infuriating words. No matter, they won’t once she was done.

“You know what, let’s.”

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

Mikasa had agreed to entertain her. Her assent had sounded like that of a parent obliging a child, but her stance was serious enough. She waited for Annie to make the first move, watched her carefully. It had been a while since Annie fought someone else like this, other than Reiner and Bert. Actual fighting, with the intention to hurt. In this case, a little bit of Mikasa’s pride. There was no agreed-upon reward for the winner, but the fight seemed to promise one all the same. 

Mikasa had never seen her exercise her true skill, and she wanted to keep it like that; as an asset. Her body was coiled for the kill, but she started out easy. Mikasa barely attacked, simply observed her. It was expected given what the woman thought of her capabilities. She was probably afraid to hurt her. So Annie advanced her play, and proceeded with kicks and punches that became increasingly complex for Mikasa to keep up with by simply resorting to defense. Still, the woman just watched, careful, looking for an opening. It was terrible to let stray thoughts wander in her mind when in a fight like this, but Annie saw flashes of how Mikasa had attacked Kenny, with the respect and attention that was due for a true opponent. She cursed a little at the thought. She jabbed and punched. Her movements were flawless, her temperament, not so much. She was out of practice. She would hardly be a true opponent to Mikasa if she let her mind get distracted like that. And so the fight became more than just against Mikasa. It became a test for herself. And just as she was gearing up to reset her thoughts, Mikasa attacked.

The kick hit her square in her middle, sent her to the floor. She scrambled to her feet, a little astonished. Perhaps it showed because she heard Mikasa say under her breath-

“Don’t tell me Kenny was right.”

That did it. Every thought vanished, every reservation disappeared. She was back on the field, back in that time. She was _her_ again. She fought like herself, promising to bring Mikasa down. They went at it forever, but her body had itched to fight like this for so long, it barely tired. She wanted Mikasa to know that she was good. And she wanted to know if she was better.

But perhaps Mikasa was wiser than she was. Because when she landed on the floor after Annie very closely missed kicking her head, jarring her shoulder, Mikasa retreated. Her eyes were wide as she breathed heavily on the floor. They had a tinge of acknowledgment in them that finally satisfied her. She could let it stop now. For now.

For with the capacity to be satisfied, came the capacity to feel, and suddenly she was human again. She was Annie again, not _her_. And in front of her was Mikasa. It was such a strange thought, but she wanted to let Mikasa know that she preferred ‘love’ to ‘sugar’. It felt so out of place in the aftermath, she turned away lest she let it slip; with other thoughts, even more startling. It dawned on her how much Mikasa’s opinion had started to matter to her. How much Mikasa mattered to her. And so she kept her back to the woman, hands running hastily through her hair to comb out her thoughts, to keep it a secret.

“Don’t move.”

The words were so quiet and so gentle, almost a whisper. Mikasa’s palm on her shoulder was incredibly soft, feverishly warm. It was a jarring contrast to how hard and cold the metal felt against her back, the round of its edges digging obtrusively in her, right over where her heart was.

Oh.

There wasn’t much that she could do to change the situation. She could try with someone else, not with Mikasa. The fact that the woman’s voice had been a request, not a threat, it made her even more wary to try anything. Her lips parted as she let herself relax with an exhale.

She wanted to consider the possibility that this was due to something else, but she would be kidding herself. It occurred to Annie that she had wanted to show Mikasa so badly, maybe she had seen.

_But how?_

Did that even matter? It was out now. It was this that Mikasa did, now that she finally crossed the boundary; point a gun to her heart.

“You know.” 

Her voice was just as soft. And there was a strange relief that came with the words that left her lips. It felt like something deep in her that had been at edge for so long finally relaxed. She wondered how Mikasa felt about it. Circumstances did not bode well, but she wanted to look at Mikasa. She gently resisted the palm on her shoulder, her movements were slow. But in a flash the grip tightened, the gun dug in her flesh.

“Don’t.”

“I’m just turning around.”

“Don’t. Just…stay there. Or I _will_ shoot.” There was resoluteness in there, for sure. At this point it occurred to Annie that she should be afraid for her life. But the voice was also conflicted, and it became an ache, the need to look into her eyes. To see if there was hate in them.

“Mikasa. At least look at me if you will.” They stood still for moments that felt to stretch on forever, but Annie knew that if ever, now she had to be patient.

The gun moved to point up at the top of her neck, digging in the soft skin at the base of her chin. She closed her eyes and let Mikasa hold both of her hands as the woman moved around her. Only when she felt warm breaths on her face did Annie open her eyes. 

They were close. Her eyes. Mikasa’s eyes, not Levi’s. Annie had learned the minute difference between them since the night at her apartment. It felt like yesterday, when they had shared her bed. Almost made love.

Whatever was in those eyes, it was hard to find any love in them. Or any weakness. Mikasa had probably thought of this moment, prepared for it. But the mere fact that Mikasa saw her, that she wasn’t a liar anymore, it had to amount to something. Hopefully, not her life.

“You know who I am.” She whispered it, again, just as much to remind herself.

Mikasa’s eyes grew pained at that.

“I don’t. I have no clue who you are.” She wanted to protest against it, to fight Mikasa on that, but the words died in her throat at the rage in Mikasa’s voice.  
Mikasa jerked away to put distance between them, the gun aimed at her heart. There was a hardness in her eyes now, like she had come to a decision.

“Leave.”

Annie stared. She couldn’t process the word, couldn’t bring herself to react to it. Mikasa breathed deeply at her inaction, then said in a much more stable voice-

“You have one week, all three of you. You stay in the city for a day later, you’ll be buried in it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 :)  
> All the people who have read, left kudos and commented, thanks for dropping by!


	10. This is What I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, alive. Still alive. I don't know if anyone's still around to read this, but here we are. :p  
> Thanks to all those who read and reviewed, especially Nuxyie for their very sweet and polite reminders, or I had almost talked myself out of finishing this one.  
> SPOILERS:  
> \- Major Manga spoiler marked in the second para with XXXXX.  
> _ S1, S2 spoilers all over the place. Sorry man.
> 
> Also, backstories diverge very liberally from canon. So don't worry too much.  
> Hope it's okay, chap 10. :)

Her hands trembled as she reached for the coffee cup. She gave up halfway and pressed her fingers to her temple, trying the sooth the throbbing veins. Armin was having dinner with Eren, probably lying through his teeth that everything was fine. He was an expert at it, but it wasn’t in Mikasa to face Eren tonight; not when her headache was this bad.

XXXXX

The true self is what Hange had told her it was. Her biology was re-designed to do what was best for Eren, but when it went against her own fundamental desires, the two genes collide, and it left her with a sharp ache. It was often so acute, when they had fought, Mikasa forced herself, her true self, to yield to Eren’s point of view, because she knew he would never yield. It wasn’t that hard, because she truly did love him. 

XXXXX

But to look at him now, lie to him for his own well-being, when doing so was ripping her head apart, it just wasn’t in her at the moment. Physically distancing herself from him did help. But did distance heal her in the same way for other people too? Mikasa wasn’t much for prayers, but she prayed that it did.

**5 Days Ago: The morning after the accident.**

She traced the text with her fingers. Mikasa had an unproductive habit of rereading her texts with Annie, but she let it slide. Especially when it informed her of what she had drunkenly written last night.

_Sleep well, Love._

She hadn’t really meant to say it, but was it all the more true for it? The thought scared her, but it had elated her in equal measure. That she could care for someone so deeply, and not because she was obliged to. It was such a strange feeling, it took her a little while to recognize that it was hope.

But then, if she had learned one thing, it was that for her, hope always preceded something much worse.

_“I’m telling you, Mikasa, I’ve seen Eren bite his hand the exact same way. It’s not just in my head.”_

Mikasa was wary, by nature, but Armin had the propensity for being right about the worst things.

_“I took their blood samples while cleaning up at the hospital. I’ll go to the private lab at Stohess to analyze them. It will take a few days. Till then be cautious, will you. Of Annie too. She’s always with them.”_

Eren always called Mikasa a ‘worst case scenario’ kind of person. But to hope for anything else, it was a dangerous thing. And so she kept her distance, but she searched through her memory to look for clues. At the end she gave up because she couldn’t act, wouldn’t know how to act, till she was absolutely sure.

The picnic had been her last gift to herself. To enjoy Annie’s company in the benefit of the doubt. Even if Reiner and Bertholdt were titans, she still wouldn’t have anything against Annie. Nothing but instinct. She had brought a knife, hidden within the heaps of food. She wondered if she could get Annie’s blood somehow, but the proximity after so many days, how soft Annie’s breath felt on her face, it had been too much. Too distracting. 

_“Mikasa, it’s okay.”_

And so Mikasa gave in. Let herself have what she wanted. _For now._ Armin would be back in a few hours. And then she would know. So, if it really was the worst case scenario, she decided to touch Annie as much as she could, kiss her while she still could. Before the other shoe dropped.

_“They have traces of the decayed serum. The Armor and the Colossal Titans……He started it.”_

When he told Mikasa, Armin was in a maelstrom of fear and rage, but there was a determination in his words when he had said-

_“We cannot tell Eren.”_

It wasn’t lost on her and Armin, the progress that Eren had made in the past few months. He would charge at them with the intent to kill, and he would be back in the past. Back to being a murder, perhaps irreparably so. Mikasa had considered killing the two men first, her fight was more with them, not the Female Titan. But leaving Annie on her own could be a fatal mistake. The fight at Kenny’s was the final straw. She wanted to see Annie, the killer behind the face. If Annie was the Female Titan as they had guessed, the most formidable at combat, she wouldn’t take a real fight lightly. She would show how good she was. Who she was. And Mikasa saw, not so much in her moves, but in her gaze.

However, when she pointed the gun at her, something in her gave. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to. Even in the past, she had never _wanted_ to kill. She just did. And now, she simply couldn’t. From there it was simple. If she chose to kill her friends, then there was no stopping Annie from killing hers; not without a bullet. They were the same that way. And she couldn’t kill Annie. She knew she would fail. It felt strangely relieving.

_“They’ll leave in a week.”_  
“But Mikasa…..Those two. Carla…Carla…you wouldn’t…”  
“I know Armin! I tried.” 

He had sobered up at the pain in her outburst.

_“I’m sorry Mika…I’m so sorry that it’s Annie….”_ It was nauseating, the pity in his eyes.

_“I had her….I just… I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I?”_ She looked lost as she nearly implored him for some answer.  
Armin had a sad smile to that; like she was a child; like there was some simple piece of the puzzle that eluded her.  
_“I think you know why.”_

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

When she called, Reiner told Annie that they were at Nikolo’s place, in apparently the most fun party they’ve managed to throw yet. The ruefulness in his voice, the trace of fondness, it jerked her out of the quietness that had accompanied the aim of Mikasa’s gun. She decided to let them have one night in oblivion. But she knew that Mikasa knew. She did not hold it against Mikasa to hold on to her loyalty for her side. Who knows how devoted the woman had been to her cause. Maybe Annie also killed some dear comrades of hers. Maybe it was pure self-preservation, to keep threats away.

_“Leave.”_

It was an appropriate reaction when you think of it. Not like hers, especially when she had been an integral part of the war. Been the daughter of the man that started it. Annie was never devoted to the cause. But the present couldn’t hold a candle to her past. It made her feel humiliated to be so entirely unwanted by Mikasa. Mikasa’s past had been the thing that drew Annie closer to her, compelled her to put her lips on the other woman’s. And while she wasn’t foolish enough to expect reciprocation, the coldness with which Mikasa had dropped her, asked her to leave, discarded her, it stung at something that made her vulnerable like nothing ever had.

It disgusted her, how she couldn’t stop the tears. How mortal, human, _common_ she was. Pain and tears, flesh and blood; and a heart, apparently. It had to be there, she wagered. It couldn’t break if it didn’t exist.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

“Do you want to fight?”

Bertholdt looked up at her. He had been quiet since she told them, and it ate at her, how much he would lose. Shingasina was still too close; they’d have to start far over. Reiner was enraged at the threat, but his demeanor betrayed his fear, his reluctance to get entangled.

Bert smiled at her. “I was never good at fighting.”

That bristled at her “Then I’ll fight for you. If you want to stay, Bert. I will.”

He looked wistful. Almost hopeful. “But will you win?”

She considered it. _Buried in the city._ Three of hers or three of theirs. “I can take Mikasa in combat. I did, yesterday.” Her voice broke a little at the name. And these things, they never escaped Bert.

His eyes were heavy with the resignation “It’s not that. I know you can defeat her.”

His tone emphasized on the word defeat. So that they acknowledged what it was a euphemism for.

“But in doing that, will you win?”

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

It had been four days since that day. It was on too short notice, so they figured Bert would come up with something for a transfer; or drop out. Reiner was casual about not showing up to work. But Annie wasn’t sure how she’d break the news. _If_ she’d break the news.

She planned on holding extra classes for the entire week. She knew it wasn’t enough to teach her kids everything, but it had to do. She hoped. She talked to each one of them after class; even offered to take them all out for ice creams. She made them hold each other’s hands on their way to the parlor, and it was when she was scolding Rory to hold Helena’s hand, that her breath caught when she ran into Mikasa walking out of the plaza with Kenny.

“Sugar! And your little sugar bears.” 

The kids giggled at Kenny’s rotten smile. A few of them shyly waved at Mikasa, but the woman had gone stiff. She would have walked away, but it dawned on Annie that it might be the last time that she would see Mikasa. And so, Annie stared at her, committing it to memory even when it felt like ripping a Band-Aid over and over. Mikasa’s jaw was set in a hard line, and it hurt that Mikasa won’t even look at her. Elise gravitated to Mikasa and talked to her about the new moves, how much she loved spending even more time in class. She played with the folds in Mikasa trousers, as other kids asked if they’d see her assisting in class again.  
Kenny seemed to sense the tension. He leaned closer to the two.

“Huh. Trouble in paradise?” 

So Mikasa hadn’t told him; that much was apparent. Annie shifted her gaze to him, adjusting it to the same old bored expression. He snorted at that.

“Just when I was starting to like you, Sugar.” Annie noticed the hard lines in Mikasa’s features crack, even as a hint of irritation peeked through. Kenny wasn’t deterred, though. He clapped Mikasa on the back as he started walking off-

“I’m telling you, this one’s a keeper, Kasa. Pretty good with kids.”

She let them have seconds. Even thirds. So much for healthy eating, but Annie could barely hold herself together. It seemed unbelievable, how on the outside, nothing seemed to have changed, but everything was changed. Everything was over.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

“I thought I told you to not call her that.” There was such a deep note of threat in her voice, Kenny stopped to look at her. 

“You’re in bad shape. What did he do this time? That brat.” Kenny’s voice was just as serious as hers. She has sought him out to take some of his suppressants till Levi got more. 

Nothing. The goal was that Eren would do nothing. But it was too entangled. He sighed at her silence, handing over the meds. She walked away, not sparing him a second glance.  
Although it didn’t matter, did it. Annie seemed agreeable with their little pact. She cared for the kids, and it showed in how much strength she wanted to leave them with. It wouldn’t be long when Kenny wouldn’t see her anymore, so the nickname would drop naturally. Little victories, right?

_Four days._ Her head had been a continuously throbbing mess for the past four days. She missed out on most sleep for the past two, leaving her eyes a tired mess. She couldn’t remember her last meal. Armin couldn’t help. Meds did not help. Fighting did not help. Distance from Eren, distance from her; none of it helped. Physical proximity with Annie, to share the same breathing space. It tore her apart. Every minute of the excruciating four days, she had told herself there is no other way.

_This is what I want._

The alternative was too risky. It was the right decision for Eren, but the very fact that she was affected as much, so entirely reduced to a casket that was simply meant to harbor pain, it made her wonder how much of it did she really want. But it was no use fighting it. The need to protect Eren would always win. It won when she watched him grow insane with power, killing thousands in his rage. It won when she killed them herself, even if it tore her apart. She would always choose him. Over Annie. Over herself. And if he pushed himself over the edge of insanity, once again, she was terrified that she was bound to follow.

And in that moment, she hated Annie. She hated her for who she was, who she was with. She hated her for how incredibly beautiful she looked against the sun, outside the plaza. How her love for her kids wasn’t an act, a façade. She hated how little she knew of the heart of the woman that she lov-  
No. She couldn’t think that. Not that. All she was _allowed_ to do, was hate.  
It was either that or hating herself. 

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

She walked around the city, disoriented. Everything was a blur, dark; voices were muddled. She walked in an alley, unaware of anything. 

“Pretty late for such a pretty lady.” 

She heard the words, the maliciousness in his voice, but Mikasa did not process. Nor did she process when he grabbed at her. Pulled her into the dark, dragging her steps. The first time when she came to, was when she heard the scream.

“Leave the girl! Somebody help!”

Foolish. It was foolish of the old lady to interfere. It was logistically a poor decision to fight the man when she had no way of winning. Mikasa pondered over why people deliberately made foolish decisions when they knew it rendered them weak, vulnerable. 

Foolish. Her mom had been foolish. And Mikasa had been so weak. She couldn’t have won.

“Aaaahh!” He twisted the old woman’s arm, finding a knife in his back pocket. Oh well, it was different now. As powerless as she felt now, some things, she just couldn’t lose at.

He looked surprised when his body hit the floor. So did the older woman. She picked him up and threw him again. Then again. Then again. It was so pathetically easy.

“Go.” Mikasa ordered the woman, and she complied.

And then it felt good, so she took her time. One bone at a time. She matched the rhythm of her hits with the pounding in her head. The blood felt good, it cooled her hands a little bit, played with the lights. The sounds of his screams, the sickening crunch of tissue giving way, it drowned the infero in her head. Just for a little while.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

“Oh, Annie come on! One last midnight snack.”

“No really, go ahead, you two. I’m too tired.” She had been trying to fend off Reiner for fifteen minutes now. Not even doughnuts made her wish to leave her house at this hour. But he was persistent. She heard the doorbell. _Ah fuck._ Too persistent, as usual.

“I swear to god you fuck-”

The words died in her throat. It alarmed her, how much blood there was, and for a second she would have been scared that Mikasa had hurt them, if Reiner wasn’t whining on the phone like a bitch, with Bert in the background, very much alive.

She ended the call before the phone dropped from her hands. She grabbed Mikasa’s shirt with both hands and pulled her in, hastily checking the alley for anyone who might have seen the woman. She winced a little at the bloody fingerprint on her doorbell, wiping it off with the newspaper in its stand. Mikasa was watching her nonchalantly, covered in blood, visible to anyone who might come by. She finished up and slammed the door. She wondered if she should be more concerned about Mikasa coming here to kill her than worrying if the neighbors saw her walk in.

Mikasa was polite as ever. It looked like she wanted to sit, but she was worried she’d stain Annie cheap little couch. It was safe to assume she wasn’t here to murder, was it?  
Annie’s heart raced at the implication of any answer. A part of her itched at her to reach for the gun in her drawer, but she felt it would do more harm than good. And with that idea discarded, she was hopelessly at a loss of what to do. It irritated her, Mikasa’s little conundrum, so she pulled an old sheet from the drawer and laid it on the couch. Mikasa let out a sharp exhale. Adjusting on the sheet to make sure none of her touched the couch. Annie sighed and covered her eyes with one hand. All semblance of her sleep had vaporized. She couldn’t even understand where to start. Even on her feet with Mikasa on the couch, Annie felt shorter under her gaze.

She pointed to the red painted all over Mikasa’s hands, arms, knees-“Is any of that your own?”

The slight shake of Mikasa’s head brought her some relief. But it had seemed obvious, with how comfortable Mikasa’s posture was. Her eyes, however, were a different story. 

“Anyone saw you?” Mikasa seemed to ignore that one. Or it seemed to deflect at the borders of her thoughts. She got on her knees in front of Mikasa. 

“Who was it?”

Mikasa titled her head to look directly in her concern filled eyes. She seemed busy searching for something in them, but she answered nonetheless-

“I don’t know.”

That was good? Maybe? Annie couldn’t tell or care any more than Mikasa. But the sheer amount of blood that covered the woman, it gave her pause-

“Dead?” A chill followed as she let the word leave her lips. This seemed to pull Mikasa out a little, to really ponder the question. But her eyes never left Annie’s

“I don’t know.” Mikasa whispered with honesty.

Annie sat back on her knees, as she exhaled with frustration. Mikasa looked so composed and yet so vulnerable, it wrenched at her heart. The very heart that Mikasa pointed a gun at four days ago. The thought brought back some fury, and suddenly she wasn’t feeling as kind.

“Mikasa. Why are you here?” No answer.

She jumped to her feet and shouted - “Jesus Christ, say something! Is someone after you? The police? Did someone follow you here? Tell me if I need my gun-”

Mikasa followed her to her feet, towered over her again as her hands came to rest on Annie’s shoulders. 

“No. No. No one saw. No one’s coming. It’s safe. You’re safe.” She looked more rational now, and that did help Annie calm down a bit. She repeated, although with more softness-

“Why are you here?”

Mikasa bent her head. Her voice was small as she said-

“I couldn’t remember where I lived.” She looked up at her now.  
“I couldn’t go to them. Not like this. And I….I had to know…”

Annie’s throat quivered at that. It wasn’t just rage, it was so unfair and it left her acerbic-

“You did, did you? Is that why you came? After asking me to leave? You get to come and go as you please?”

Mikasa’s face scrunched at that, her grip tightened.

“Annie, I can’t…….you don’t understand…I had to...” Annie pushed her off, turning away.

“I do. You _had_ to, didn’t you? It doesn’t matter. We don’t matter. Not more than our past.” 

She turned to Mikasa, her eyes were smoldering-  
“I told you. If you knew, you wouldn’t stay. But you promised, didn’t you? No matter what? But I understand. I really do.”

“You know it’s more complicated than that-”

“It doesn’t matter, Mikasa! It’s over. So you don’t get to walk in here, covered in god knows whose blood… ”

It cut her off when Mikasa jammed her against the table, her eyes burning just as much like Annie’s now, an almost animalistic resistance in them-

“No, it isn’t. We are not…don’t you dare say….” 

“Don’t _you_ dare! After you threatened to kill me. To kill my friends.”

“I _didn’t_ kill them, did I? Even when I should have.” 

Annie bit back her words at that. Mikasa’s tone, it wasn’t of duty, it was personal. Mikasa pulled away from her, livid.

“Do you remember what he did to that village? When he started it. Do you have any idea what he did to our family that day? What he turned Eren into?”  
Colour drained out of her face as Annie remembered what Mikasa spoke of. The first attack, the trigger. Bert.

_…What he turned Eren into…_

Reiner and her, they had discussed Eren and Armin’s background. They had the same false cover as Mikasa, so they were definitely integral to the war. While Armin must have been in intel, they couldn’t place Eren…not until now…that rage…his eyes...the way he yelled...his stance.....with how protective Mikasa was of him…and how the Ackermans were bound to the Titans that they protected…

“Your brother…he…”

Mikasa smiled at that. It was a hard, sardonic smile. 

“You really do understand, as always. It never ceases to amaze me. How you just know.”

Annie pulled at the hairs of her scalp. It was well known that the Attack Titan had been fueled by revenge. It’s why they were kept away from him in the war. _So it was personal._ But then, she had learned that wars always were. Mikasa walked close to her. Her voice was cold– 

“I can’t tell Eren, or he will never get out of it after that.” “I’d kill the Colossal, but then I don’t have you. I’d have to kill you too.” “And if I have you, I risk losing Eren.”

She was on Annie now, pinning her at the table, again. Her voice was clinical, but her eyes impassioned.

“He can’t know. He only just came back to us. Do you think he would stop? Do you understand what it would do to him if he knew? If he met the person responsible for his mother’s death.”

“I understand.”

Her words were a whisper, Annie’s eyes closed at the proximity. Mikasa was so open, so brutally honest, it finally made sense. But Mikasa looked at her like she was still defiant-

“Annie you don’t…”

“I do.” She raised her hands to hold Mikasa’s neck, gazing in those familiar charcoal eyes. If all cards were to be on the table, she might as well.

“Levi Ackerman put a bullet in my father’s heart.”

Mikasa’s jaw went slack at that. She knew who Annie’s father was. Levi was an expert titan killer, but he had only ever taken one _human_ life. She jerked away from Annie. Of all the things, that made Annie feel like a monster.

Annie smiled ruefully. “They say it was a kindness, to end the war. It still hurt, all the same.”

“You didn’t try killing Levi.” It was a statement, but Mikasa sounded shocked. Annie looked up at that. 

“Not yet. If I did, he’d be dead.” Mikasa’s jaw hardened, her eyes growing sharper- 

“He’s family.”

“So is Bert.”

“Well, he never took an _innocent_ life.”

Annie’s temper spiked at that “You think _that_ really matters? You think I give a shit about how _rightful_ he was when he shot dad?” She exhaled sharply.

“If you must pick a monster, kill me. Reiner and Bert didn’t start it, it was started _on them_. They did what they did to save their family, not to _impress_ them, as I did.”

It went quiet after that. So long and so deafening, Annie could feel the rush of blood in her head.But Mikasa stayed still as a statue, pondering over her words. Her eyes were on her bloodied hands. After what seemed like an eternity, she whispered. “…But did you enjoy beating someone up into a pulp? Breaking every bone? Making it messier because you liked the sight of blood…”

Annie recognized that. That voice. She knew all too well how Mikasa was feeling, confronting what was probably the most detestable part of herself, she felt it too. And even if the words were true, she couldn’t have it. It hurt her too.

“Enough. It’s not a competition, you know.”

Mikasa opened her eyes at the contact. Annie pulled her to the couch. Made her remove the bloody shirt. She was still angry, but she wanted to get rid of the blood first. All that red, maybe she liked it too. Too much. It swirled in the water as it came off of Mikasa’s hands, her arms. Some of it had made it’s way to her shoulders, splayed on her abs, that neck. Annie wouldn’t look at Mikasa as she grazed the coarse cloth over her skin. A bit did remain, there was just so much of the blood. 

“I feel obliged to hate you by association. But….it hasn’t been easy.” Her motions stopped at Mikasa’s confession. She wasn’t sure that she should be glad that Mikasa was failing, or indignant that she tried at all. 

But Mikasa was oblivious to her thoughts, or any thought at all. It was criminally divine, Annie’s scent. Four fucking days. Of all the things, Mikasa had missed that the most. And it killed her that she would consider never having it again. Grasp at memories to try to remember what it was like. Mikasa’s hands curled up to hold Annie by her elbows, pulled her a little closer.

“You knew. All this time, you knew.” Mikasa’s voice was deeply conflicted, a tinge of disbelief in it. She almost wanted to be angry, at what was essentially a lie of omission. But it was a little hypocritical, with how she lied to Annie too. However, it grated at her nerves, almost scared her, that all this time, she only saw one side. 

“It was all pretense. I barely know who you are.” Annie scrunched her eyes at that. The accusation was unfair, but it occurred to her that Mikasa might be hurting too. Did she not realize just how much of herself Annie had shown to her? How deep Annie had let her in with the precious little time that they had had.

“Everyone saw me as the Female Titan. What you got to see, I have never been with anyone else. Never seen it myself. I never had that. Not with anyone. Would you blame me for wanting to leave the rest away? Get away from myself for a while?”

Mikasa had no answer to that. 

“It’s been a mess from the start, hasn’t it?” The bite in Annie’s words, it pained Mikasa, bristled at her, because even if it was a lie, it was real for Mikasa. 

Her breath was hot as it rolled off the side of Annie’s face, the air a thick mixture of rust and salt, until she couldn’t take it anymore, the way Annie had turned away from her. She framed that sharp jaw in her hands. She turned Annie’s head to face her own, for their breaths to mingle together in a sensation that felt so excruciatingly familiar by now. Her grip was a little too firm, but Mikasa was done with the secrets, she had to see it, had to know.

“You could have left. Before we went this far. All this time you knew who I was, _what_ I was.”

Annie wondered if it sounded like that, when she referred to herself, the weapon that she had been. It was such a deep-rooted self-hate, Annie wanted to burn it out of Mikasa. Crush it. Mikasa did not get to hate herself if Annie was unable to. Even after all that had happened.

“Why did you stay?” 

Mikasa looked like a being deprived of water, parched for days, submerged in thirst. So broken to the point, that for the first time, even if for a hairbreadth, Annie braved admitting it to herself. For Mikasa. She exhaled deeply, willing her heartbeat to relax, to no avail. Till the look in Mikasa’s eyes couldn’t let her hold on any longer, so Annie gave in.

“You know why.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! Good, bad, too bloody? Lemme know, will ya. :)  
> Until next time.


	11. Now What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> Chapter 11!  
> As usual, warning for S1, S2 Anime and a few Manga spoilers.  
> Read on!

_“You know why.”_

It occurred to Mikasa that she should have replied in some manner when Annie had said that because the meaning was absolutely clear. Even if she wanted doubt to creep in with the ambiguity that the words held, Mikasa _did know_ that Annie cared for her, just as much as she cared for Annie. Believed it when Annie said it. Annie had even looked at her expectantly, with her lovely face framed in Mikasa’s hands, but Mikasa had felt a little out of it.

It wasn’t elation that followed, but a sense of such profound relief, that she wasn’t the only one rendered so incapacitated by affection, that she wasn’t so alone in this boat. Annie had to be just as fucked up as she was. It was like some deep muscle in her relaxed at the confession, and Mikasa wondered if her insecurity at being the only one so infatuated was the main cause of their conflict. But it wasn’t so. Annie _liked_ her. And she knew that she did, had probably known all along that it wasn’t pretense. It set off an undercurrent of anxiousness, the void that the relief left. Mikasa felt it manifest in shivers along her arms her spine.

So what now?

At Mikasa’s quietness, Annie had simply proceeded with wiping the specs off of her body. Made herself busy in getting rid of Mikasa’s blood stained clothes. Annie must be some form of nervous too, Mikasa thought with a wry smile. What else would put her so deep in thought that the little blonde had been standing in front of the mirror for five minutes, draining away the crimson proof of Mikasa’s crime in the sink, wringing at the washcloth, without noticing that the same was crusted on her own shoulders, the drying blood put there when Mikasa had held her by them. 

She leaned off of the table, got up to stand behind Annie, watching her reflection. There was a slight break in the other woman’s rhythm, but then she got back to it. The imprints, her hands on Annie. It was strangely affecting. On a tangent, Mikasa wondered when in the war had she become so desensitized to the sight of the blood. To be so enraptured by it and yet so very unaware. 

So it was fair to conclude that Annie was hers? She wondered. It seemed selfish, preposterous, the idea of having someone only to you, someone yours, and yet it spiked her blood. Her gaze went from the imprints to Annie’s nape, the sharp lines of lean muscle that moved as Annie silently ignored her perusal, but not for long. It did occur to Mikasa that she had been staring too hard, but she wasn’t deterred when Annie dropped the cloth at the side of the sink with a deep exhale. In fact, the way her shoulder blades moved as Annie straightened up, the sharp lines and cuts on her back, it made Mikasa want to do more than just stare.

“What?”

She seemed irritated, but Mikasa wasn’t too worried, with how breathy it sounded. She felt Annie stiffen further as she moved closer, casually picked up the cloth from the space between Annie’s hand and waist. Annie huffed with her eyes closed, as her other hand came forward to turn on the tap, effectively encasing that slender frame. 

Annie could feel Mikasa’s breath on her back, and it was soothing on her almost scorching skin. It had made her almost feverish, all this information that Mikasa had given her. But that paled in comparison to how raw she felt with her confession. It astonished her that it was true, that it was even possible for her to be able to say something like that. Her thoughts went back to the kiss with Bert, after which she had thought that maybe this wasn’t for her.

But with how close Mikasa was, all the complexities seem to dissolve. The reactions of her physicality drowned out her thoughts, and she concentrated on the sound of the water flowing. It jerked her out of her little reverie when she felt Mikasa put the cold cloth on her shoulder. She looked up in the mirror to realize that there was some blood on her too, gone unnoticed. But Mikasa was on it. It was abrupt but welcome. It further quelled her feverish body. She wanted to lean back against Mikasa but she forced herself to stay put, no matter how tempting it felt. She still felt raw.

“There were these two in my Training corps. Hannah and Franz.” Mikasa’s voice was almost as soothing as the cool sensation. It calmed her down. Even more, as Mikasa continued-

“Hannah almost compromised a mission because it was so important for her to check up on Franz. See if he was alive.”

The last of the blood left her skin and Mikasa leaned closer now, running both hands under the water as she washed it off. She turned off the tap to leave them is significantly more quietness.

“I never understood what compelled her. And so I thought it was weakness and irrationality.”

Mikasa’s voice was contemplative, colored with ruefulness. And while she wanted to stay put, distant, the conversation reminded her of many that they had had by the lake, under reflections from the city lights. That Mikasa was talking to her about her past, with no omissions, barriers or hesitations, it reminded her just how much Annie had wanted this. Just this. For Mikasa to be on this side of the line. Annie felt herself give a little, push her head back as Mikasa bent down to hide her face in her neck, brush her face over the lines of Annie’s jaw. It made her heart skip a beat.

“Mmmm. And?”

It encouraged Mikasa, how soft Annie sounded.

“And. I had no clue I was _so_ right.” 

Annie chuckled at that. Some of the tension seeping out of her. She let her entire body relax against Mikasa’s. The ravenette’s hand curled over her abdomen and Annie tried not to fidget because it was a little cold, and ticklish. So was Mikasa’s hot breath against her ear.

“But I do get it now. Maybe people crave the irrationality of it. Enjoy it.” 

Mikasa turned her around gently, engulfing her in an almost desperate hug. Her hands were wound tightly around Annie’s shoulders, crossed at the forearms. Her head was still buried in the crook of Annie’s neck. Her own arms came to meet at the small of Mikasa’s back, moving up and down over the thin camisole and sliver of bare skin under it. Along the long length of Mikasa’s back, her spine, shoulders, everything that she could touch. Eventually, Mikasa loosened her grip to hold her at her mid and knit her fingers in Annie’s tresses. She pulled them apart to look Annie in the eyes as she said-

“I’ve never had this before either. Not before you came along.”

And Annie turned her head to find Mikasa’s lips, stare at them with so much want, as she wrapped her arms around the taller woman’s neck lest she should pull away. But Mikasa seemed just as disapproving of that as she was. Annie felt the other woman’s hands hold her at the shoulder blades, a slight, powerful jerk upwards that pushed her body into Mikasa’s, brought their faces to a fraction of an inch of each other’s. The warmth, wetness, it was heady, heavenly. But Mikasa hovered there, letting her decide. And as much as it had hurt to feel unwanted the past few days, it washed over her how Mikasa was here now, with all that there was in the past, she was still here in her arms.

It was tentative at first; like they were out of practice. A small kiss and then Annie parted to watch the look in Mikasa’s eyes change; grow almost revering. Slowly she went for another, and she felt Mikasa sigh into it, so she stayed a litter longer. The sound of wet lips parting and meeting, again, and again, pants and breaths, it made her dizzy, how much it made her ache. Made her want. Annie turned her head when she remembered Mikasa so preferred leaning in from the left. So liked to go for her lower lip. So liked biting it. She liked it too. She liked how Mikasa wouldn’t let them part for air, keep her around for a few more seconds before she gave her hardly any more to regain her breath as she reclaimed her lips. It made here restless to remember all of them, all the little details. But unfortunately, she had to live to kiss.

They broke apart almost breathless, like coming up on the surface of the water. Four fucking days. How could she miss something so much in so little? Annie would like to believe that she was patient, but Mikasa seemed to not care at all. Her eyes were already back on Annie’s lips, even if her breath wasn’t. She looked up for a second and their eyes me. A smile almost formed on Annie’s lips because she knew Mikasa was gonna go for it again as soon as asphyxia was ruled out, and so she beat her to it. 

This time was a lot more familiar, rougher, messier. Mikasa’s tongue was insistent on ravishing her. Annie almost jerked Mikasa’s neck when she pulled her down, kept pulling to keep her down, keep her close until Mikasa grew frustrated and lifted her up. High. Her stomach flipped and she wrapped her legs around the other woman’s mid to remain steady. It was so much more agreeable, the angle. If Annie could think at that moment she would have been jealous of Mikasa’s height.

Mikasa put her on the slab, sending all of her products flying away. One hand went to wrap her leg around the other woman’s back, while the other curled over her neck and head to guide the kiss, grow softer, gentler as they seemed to realize that they could take their time. And so it grew deeper, and longer after every time they parted. Annie felt Mikasa’s hands grab at her everywhere, touching as much as they could. It sent waves of pleasure along her body. It hit her then just how very turned on she was. When they finally paused for long to breathe, Annie leaned her head against Mikasa’s shoulder, happy to be back there. Like nothing had happened at all. Like they had never been apart.

Mikasa kissed her neck and grazed her fingers on her scalp. “I hurt you a lot, didn’t I?” Mikasa spoke in her ear as she kissed her jaw in amends. Annie nodded slightly, but kissed Mikasa’s clavicle to let her know that it was forgiven.

“I’ll never..…never again…” Mikasa murmured as she kissed at her neck again, and Annie pulled her off to place a hard, wet kiss on her lips.

“Promises that you can’t keep, Ackerman.”

Mikasa couldn’t help it when a crooked smile formed on her lips. She didn’t remember the last time someone called her that. With what the name had come to represent. She liked how it sounded off of Annie’s lips. Teasing, possessive. Nor could she refute Annie’s words, as much as she would like to believe otherwise. She couldn’t control the future. It was a bitter pill, but she was used to the taste by now.

She pulled Annie closer to remove any space between them. Her hands went to graze at the hem of Annie’s tank, till she couldn’t help it and let them slide inside, over the smooth skin of Annie’s sinful back. It was gratifying, how the touch made Annie arch into her. 

“Then I won’t hurt you _now_. I promise.” 

Mikasa’ hands roamed over her body under her top. Annie felt a moan escape as her hands moved up to hold her at her sides, Mikasa’s thumbs grazing at the undersides of her breasts. She hadn’t bothered with a bra as she had been ready to go to sleep. Mikasa was back at her neck, but her kisses were open-mouthed, her tongue tracing the sensitive nerve there.

“Annie, please. Let me touch you.”

Annie nodded even though Mikasa couldn’t see her face. But her voice was breathy, as she gently whispered _yes_ , her hands unfolding from around Mikasa to physically assent to the other woman. But her top was making it a little difficult. So she pushed Mikasa away by a fraction as she pulled the top over her head. She could tell that Mikasa was interested in looking but it would require too much distance. She grabbed Mikasa’s face to pull her in a searing kiss, instantly opening her mouth so that she could play with Mikasa’s tongue. Her hands then went to Mikasa’s, to guide them over her body, onto her breasts, to touch them properly.

She moaned into Mikasa’s mouth at the touch. How those fingers brushed over her nipples, it was ridiculously sensitive, almost too much. Mikasa seemed to be going back on her promise already, as her lips left Annie’s to go back to her neck and to bite at the soft skin. Her legs tightened around Mikasa’s waist, locking her tightly, pulling her closer to find some purchase. She couldn’t help it as she thrust into Mikasa’s body involuntarily, and the movement made her realize how very wet she was. 

It set something off in Mikasa, as Annie felt those hands cup her thighs to lift her off the slab. They stopped at the wall that Mikasa pushed her into, but didn’t stop kissing. Mikasa eventually did make her way to the bedroom. It was easier the second time around, Annie figured.

The world shifted as her back hit the soft sheets on her bed. Her legs never loosened their grip, and she felt Mikasa groan as she thrust into her so very eagerly, nearly losing her senses when Mikasa thrust back. Mikasa broke her legs apart, readjusting them to pull a thigh between hers and press hard. Her hands were on Annie’s waist, keeping her from moving too much, while her teeth dug at her neck into what would definitely be a mark for days. The sensation was so wickedly pleasurable she cried out at the combined assault.

And then, Mikasa was completely off of her. 

Even though she missed the contact immediately, it took a moment for Annie to open her eyes. Mikasa wasn’t only off of her, she was completely off the bed. Her eyes were blown out with desire, but they were encrusted in worry, conflicted. 

“Mikasa- what, -come back-” She could barely think with how aroused she was.

“I’ll hurt you again.” There was such worry in Mikasa’s voice, and that sobered her up to some extent. She realized it was the panic attack that Mikasa was thinking of. It had completely slipped her mind.

“Mikasa, you won’t. It’s different-” But Mikasa turned away to look at the door as she sat on the bedside, a hand going to her hairs, pulling at them. Annie covered her eyes with her hand in frustration, but she did understand Mikasa’s predicament. 

Annie thought over the events of last time. And while admittedly, they were similar, she did not feel the same. She did not feel rushed, or pent up with emotion. Their fight had bled that out. Nor was she so vulnerable, because it was Mikasa, and she _knew_. There was no more past left to catch-up on them, nothing to hide; no one but them. And Mikasa had promised she wouldn’t hurt her, and it made her feel warm, and comfortable and _safe_. She sat up and moved to hug Mikasa from behind, kissing her nape.

“Hey. It’s okay.” Mikasa relaxed at the touch but didn’t turn. So Annie gently soothed her back. When she turned, Mikasa looked composed but still wary. She kissed Annie very gently.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Annie looked into her eyes, her heart swelling at the concern in them. She had learned every detail that she could which differentiated them from Levi’s. The slightly different way they shined, how they were a shade lighter. The beautiful, finer lines of her iris. 

“You won’t. Because I’m not hiding anymore.”

“But, what if I-”

“Mikasa, please. I have never been with anyone before, and I want this, I want you. Only you.”

Mikasa stared at her, her eyes going wide at the confession. There was something different about them now, how they stared at every piece of Annie’s exposed skin. Hungrily. It was so very intoxicating, and so Annie went back to the middle of the bed and removed all of her clothing for Mikasa to watch.

“You too.” She whispered, and Mikasa obliged, her gaze not deterred in the slightest as she removed the little bloodless clothing that she had left on. And then Annie truly understood how Mikasa had felt. But to look was not nearly as good as to feel when Mikasa’s body moved to glide on her own, kiss her way up to Annie’s lips. 

They kissed again, and again. But Mikasa was gentler, so very slow, and cautious.

“If anything feels off, then tell me to stop.” Annie nodded her assent as she felt Mikasa’s hands roam on her body; slowly touching her arms, breasts, thighs, anything and everything. While it wasn’t the animalistic rush as before, it made her so painfully aroused, Annie wondered how she would ever last when Mikasa touched her _there_.

Mikasa bit at her ear, as she dug her fingernails into her back. And when Mikasa sucked at that spot, back at her neck, it sent Annie keening.

“And if it feels _good_ , how will you tell me then?” 

She cried out at the spike of pleasure. A string of moans escaping her lips at the ministrations. She bucked her hips to ask for more, she needed more. Mikasa grabbed her hand and threaded their fingers together as she descended to suck at her breast. Annie couldn’t help it. She grabbed a fistful of Mikasa’s hair as she moaned out her name. Mikasa bit her nipple at that and it was a cascade of divine torture.

And when Mikasa descended further it was simply too much to even watch. Annie closed her eyes and gave in to the pleasure as she felt Mikasa’s tongue on her, running along her folds, flicking at her clit. But Mikasa kept it slow so that she couldn’t fall off the edge just yet. Not even when she slipped two fingers into her, slick with her arousal, and it felt so good that Annie couldn’t stop calling her name.

She was dangerously close-

“Mikasa, please! Right there!”

In a flash Mikasa was up at her body, biting at her neck as her fingers maintained the maddening pace. Annie could see the edge, and it was almost scary; the build up. Mikasa’s breath was hot in her ear as she whispered something, and while Annie did not understand the language, her tone was so husky, so deeply possessive and saturated in want, it sent Annie over the edge.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

With all the community service that he did, no one would guess that Armin hated clinic duty. It was noisy, loud and always busy. Much like today, when he couldn’t decide if he wanted to smack the arguing boys, or treat them as quickly as possible and send them on their way. Probably the latter.

“But he started it, mom!” 

He could never relate with the belligerence of young boys, even when he had been one. But it was a rampant menace; Eren had had enough for the both of them. The argument, however; _who started it_ , it turned his thoughts to something even sour.

They had always wondered why the Titan shifters were pardoned. He had initially concluded that it was because the prosecuting governments could never actually find them. But what had come up in the files that they found at the headquarters years ago, the things that the shifters were subjected to, the torture and manipulation, it still nauseated him. He wondered if they were the biggest victims of the war. And while the knowledge that Bertholdt was one had kicked in his adrenaline, he wondered how rational it was to blame him. Blame him any more than Eren. Or himself.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

The afternoon sun filtered in through the curtains when Annie finally woke up. She did not open her eyes just yet, the sun apparent from the mild red hue that it gave to the back of her shut lids. She could feel the gentle rise and fall of Mikasa’s chest as she was curled into her side. She couldn’t tell when they had finally exhausted themselves, how much sleep she had managed to get, but it did not seem enough. When she felt fingers entwine with her own, she realized that Mikasa was awake. Annie opened her eyes to meet her gaze, but Mikasa’s eyes were on the ring on her finger, gently tracing it.

Mikasa pulled it out slowly, slow enough to let Annie stop her if she wanted to. She examined it in the sunlight.

“Pretty.” When her fingers found the little notch in it, clicked it open, a wry smile came on her lips.

“Pretty dangerous.”

Annie curled back into her, nuzzling in the crook of Mikasa’s neck, uninterested in her old trinket. She could stay like this forever, no care for the world. But it occurred to her that Mikasa wasn’t like that. She rose up to look at her-

“You missed your lectures.” Mikasa seemed to ponder her words until she sighed and nuzzled into her side-

“Mmm. Fuck class.” Annie couldn’t help but grin at that. She kissed Mikasa’s jaw. Morning breath wasn’t the sexiest thing ever, but getting up right now seemed too much to ask for. She shifted to watch Mikasa play with the ring. It was kind of cute. 

“You like it?” She reached for the ring to pluck it out of Mikasa’s hand, turned it around. While those fingers were longer (sinfully so) Mikasa seemed to be the same size as hers. 

She decided to test it, gently slipping the ring on Mikasa’s ring finger. A small smile graced Mikasa’s lips as she stared at Annie. She then went back to admiring the ring.

“Mmm. Pretty. Would be even prettier in rose gold.”

She snorted at that, it was so absurd. She _had_ noticed that Mikasa liked jewelry, even if she didn’t wear it a lot. She wouldn’t mind letting Mikasa have it. It was so very attractive on her. They laid there for a while, simply holding each other. Her mind did wake eventually, suffused with thoughts. She suddenly felt shy.

“Last night. I’ve never…..before…Was it good for-” Mikasa gently turned to kiss her at the side of her head, effectively silencing her.

“Amazing.” It was quiet again. Peaceful. 

It had occurred to Mikasa to clean up after the _mess_ from last night. But it seemed fair to assume that neither the man nor the old lady from the incident would speak out. If the former could speak at all, that is. They would have to get back to the real world at some point, which made the idea of getting up from the bed even more unappealing. But there was no rest for thoughts, not for long.

“What happened to them? Hannah and Franz.”

Mikasa closed her eyes, reliving the old memory.

“You don’t want to know.” Annie left it at that, nodding at Mikasa’s side. She really didn’t want to know. It was bad enough to guess at it.

“So, what now?”

Mikasa closed her eyes again. She did not wish for it, to take action or responsibility. Not yet.

“I don’t know.”

Annie tried differently- “Mikasa. What do _you_ want?”

Not now, not yet. She just wanted time to stay still. 

“I….I don’t know.”

Something about those words seared at Annie. Like Mikasa had no will to stand for them, fight for them. Indignation colored her voice-

“So _nothing_ has changed from last night? You _still_ want me to leave?”

When Mikasa fished for words, Annie jerked out of the embrace, breaking the bubble that they had been in, and when Mikasa felt her going away, panic rose in her heart. She turned to pull Annie down, pin her to the bed. Her forearms square on Annie’s arms, her body trapping the smaller woman, not letting her leave. It was there again, the resistance. Almost reflexive at being separated from Annie.

“No, wait… no, you can’t go… don’t” Her face dug at the base of Annie’s throat, the words urgent, breathy against Annie’s pale skin. Annie fidgeted and so Mikasa shifted her grip to lace their fingers together instead, to give Annie more freedom to move and breakaway, but still imploring her to stay. Annie jerked at her again, but her movements ceased when she saw Mikasa’s face, just how very upset she looked. How desperate.

“It _has_ fucking changed from last night. I don’t feel like my head is getting ripped apart anymore.”

Annie felt stunned at that. She remembered the blood, how out of it Mikasa had seemed last night, how much pain there had been reflected in her eyes. The confession of Mikasa’s relief brought some of her own, and while she still ached at Mikasa’s indecisiveness, Annie decided to give her time to recover. To just let her be. As her body relaxed, Mikasa’s did not. When she felt teeth at her neck again, Annie groaned with pleasure, marveled at the sensation of their naked bodies grinding together. She curled one hand in Mikasa’s tresses to press her down, encourage her, moaning her name. In turn, Mikasa pinned the other arm again, biting so hard Annie almost came at that, at the way Mikasa tried to convey what words couldn’t. How she simply did not want her to go, did not want her to leave. Not anywhere but here. Under her. And then with Mikasa fucking inside her. The way Mikasa ground on her thigh, how slick it was. How gentle and rough she was. How it rendered her boneless when her release finally, _finally_ hit. And even more pleasurable when she felt Mikasa collapse on top of her. She did not care, it did not matter. Nothing mattered. They were never leaving this bed.

 

\------xxxxx-------

 

She walked into the two of them chatting away. Eren and Armin had a passion for traveling the world that while she found intriguing, Mikasa simply didn’t share in the same capacity. They were discussing Buddhist Monasteries in India and Nepal and argued over the best month to travel.

“Wherever have you been? Armin said you skipped class today.” Eren looked incredulous and almost reprimanding, but it wasn’t all that threatening with the food in his mouth. 

Mikasa was relieved at how better she felt today. The sight of him would make her anxious if she didn’t feel a surge of affection at his goofiness.

“She has been a little under the weather, Eren.” Armin looked at her sympathetically, and she was reminded that he wasn’t privy to all that had changed. It had been on her mind, the dread of confessing to him all that had happened. Where do they go from here?

“That’s never stopped her from going to class before. Not that it’s bad. A little bunking is healthy, even.”

Eren got up to pull out a chair for her. He was a ridiculously good cook when he put in the effort, and for a second the smell of delicious Spaghetti Bolognese took everything else off Mikasa’s mind. It had been a while since the three of them had sat down for dinner, and Mikasa had missed it. To be able to be with her brother without some undercurrent of resentment.

Eren watched approvingly as she dug in. She had worked up quite the appetite, barely eating anything before dinner. Armin kept sending her meaningful, concerned glances and she just chose to act oblivious.

“You don’t look all that sick, to be honest. Rosy as ever.” Eren was scrutinizing her and she rolled her eyes at that. He could be very persistent if he wanted. Armin tried to fend him off, chuckling nervously as he always did when he was lying.

“It’s just the seasons changing Eren. You know how sensitive Kasa can be to that-”

“You got laid, didn’t you?”

She choked on the food as she looked up to glare at him, but it was a lost cause and she knew it, with all the rouge making its way on to her face. Making her even _Rosier_.

She tried to contain her reaction to it but Eren just had a way of getting the truth out of her. He always knew how to read her since they had been little. There was a shit-eating grin forming on his face much to her chagrin, but Armin laughed at that, quite genuinely, trying to dismiss the line of thought.

“Oh no Eren, that’s not it at all-”

Eren shrugged him off as he continued to tease Mikasa-

“Her hair’s all over the place, she’s all tired and actually eating like a human for once. And you have that content kitten look on your face Mika. All too rosy.”

Mikasa buried her face in her palms, trying not to smile at _content kitten_. It was a maddening phrase and she never knew what he meant when he talked about that look, but it was often spot on. Eren looked elated at that.

“Oh come on Mika don’t be shy! Annie Leonhardt, you dawg-”

“Eren, no! You have the wrong idea-”

Armin protested on her behalf, but there was a note of derision in his tone, and that flared her in the wrong way. She knew Armin said it because he knew the truth, the complexities of the situation, but the implication was distasteful all the same. She was also getting frustrated at the conversation she would have to have with Armin, and it simply seemed easier to confess to Eren than to Armin.

She looked up to Eren and simply raised her shoulder, as her head tilted to let through the smallest of smiles. He jumped up from his seat in reaction-

“Woohooo. I knew it! I knew it! Look at you, bunking classes for sex.”

Armin simply stared at her, his jaw slack, mouth forming an O. It was hard for her to meet his gaze.

“Who?” Armin asked, and there was worry in his tone, a need to get all facts straight.

“Oh god, you jealous lil’ shit, of course, it’s Annie! Although I don’t really blame you.” Eren looked like it was Christmas already, but when she looked up at Armin to finally confirm it, let him know the status-quo, an almost defeated look came across the blonde’s face.

They ate the dinner in levity but Mikasa knew it was simply a prelude to the conversation that had to follow. After they left Eren’s, Armin stopped the car at her place and they did not share a word before they were on Mikasa’s terrace. It’s where they usually talked. And while Armin usually filled the conversation, today he was absurdly quiet. Mikasa finally sighed.

“It got really bad. Really bad this time, Armin.”

His eyes softened at that. That made her feel safer.

“I don’t even know how I got to her. And then she was just, there.”

She could tell what he was waiting for. Could tell he had accepted this. He wanted to know what did it mean.

“Would you let her go? If you were in my situation?”

He gave her a wry smile. “I truly don’t know. I don’t understand it, and maybe that does make me a little jealous.”

She nodded. She hadn’t understood either, not until she was in it. Armin wasn’t.

“Are you disappointed?” Armin shrugged at that instantly, and that made her sigh with relief. She couldn’t do this without him, not alone.

“I don’t think we have another choice.” He seemed resigned to it, but Mikasa could tell he had had a lot more perspective on the situation now. He seemed less emotionally charged, more of his calculative self.

“Are you better now? Headache and heartache.”

She nodded at that. He walked to her, reached out to hold her hand, and Mikasa was happy to have him there, as they gazed at the night sky. Until Armin broke the silence.

“So, what now?”

She leaned her head against his shoulder. It pained her to admit to it.

“He can never know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it was!  
> As far as Mikannie goes, the chapter was pretty singularly focused. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. :P  
> Also, judge me not, but I am going through such a Rose Gold rings phase, idk I had to include it. Also, I'm sure Mikasa checks out jewelry on the net to wind down.
> 
> Annnyyways, reviews on writing are much appreciated and welcome, so that I can improve!  
> Lots of love for dropping by. :)


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